The 7 signs I was an alcoholic that I wish I’d known

What makes someone an alcoholic? It’s a question I’ve asked myself many times.

The stereotype of the drunk man on a park bench is misleading. Many alcoholics – particularly women – juggle the draining reality of addiction with high-powered jobs, relationships and children.

That was certainly the case for me. As a global director for a sustainable energy company, living with my daughter in Buckinghamshire, outwardly I lived a respectable, successful life.

But in private, I was binge-drinking several nights a week at home and regularly blacking out. What had started as a way to offset stress had become a dangerous pattern.

Yet, my actions just didn’t align with what I thought an alcoholic was. After all, dinner was always on the table. The laundry was always done. The normalisation of ‘wine o’clock’ culture made me believe my addiction was nothing out of the ordinary.

I didn’t realise I was what’s known as a ‘functioning alcoholic’.

It was only after 20 years of problem drinking that a dramatic incident forced me to change my thinking.

One morning two years ago, aged 43, I woke up in a police cell. With no memory of how I got there, in my panic I even wondered if I’d killed my daughter, then 18, and blacked it out.

Serena Palmer outwardly lived a respectable life as a global director for a sustainable energy company

After 20 years of drinking, Serena’s experience of waking up in a police cell was a dramatic wake-up call

I hadn’t. But I had got drunk and hysterical enough at our home after an evening’s drinking that she had been worried enough to call the police, who had put me in that cell for my own safety.

Afterwards, my mum suggested I go to rehab. Though I agreed, I still didn’t think I was an alcoholic. I thought I just needed to learn to ‘manage’ my drinking better.

It was only after days in rehab that the lightbulb switched on and I realised I had a problem.

Now, aged 45, I’ve been sober for two years and work as a coach specialising in addiction, helping others to break the cycle. And the first step to recovery is realising that you have a problem.

The signs of functioning alcoholism may surprise you. But I implore you not to ignore them, as I once did…

You can stop drinking… 

…but you can’t stop thinking about it. People think that if they don’t drink every day, they can’t be an alcoholic. But it’s a myth that being able to undergo periods of abstinence, like Dry January, means you don’t have an addiction.

Be honest about the amount you are thinking about your next drink. If you are able to not drink for a couple of days, but your mind is consumed with planning when you can, that’s a major indicator of alcoholism.

You lie about drinking

It might just be saying you had three glasses rather than four, or having a secret stash of booze at home. But if you have to lie, no matter how minor the fib, this should be a sign that the truth is uncomfortable.

Alcoholism is pernicious; it takes hold of you, and you’ll go to any lengths to protect it. Once you start lying, treat that as a wake-up call and nip things in the bud.

If you can’t stop thinking about when your next drink will be, you may have an alcohol problem

Changing your plans

Be wary if your intentions don’t match the reality of how you’re spending your time.

For an alcoholic, once you have one drink, everything becomes about how you’ll have more. So you’ll miss the train you planned to take home, or the dinner party you said yes to.

Be honest with yourself: have you ever bailed on something because it will be an alcohol-free situation, and you’d rather be drinking?

In recovery, we admit that as alcoholics, once we start drinking we are powerless. But what you do have power over is that first drink – by not having it at all.

You drink after a hard day

If the first thing that pops into your head after a difficult day is having a drink, you need to take stock.

Ask yourself if you’re really using alcohol as a sociable way to unwind – or to shut off hard emotions.

If it’s a comfort blanket rather than a treat, you should be concerned.

You’re aware of others drinking

When you’re an alcoholic, you’ll be drinking much more and far quicker than others.

Do you find yourself getting annoyed at people around you, encouraging them to ‘drink up!’ and have another?

It’s embarrassing to be the person three drinks in while everyone else is nursing their first. And that embarrassment can be dangerous, as it’ll force you into drinking alone at home to avoid judgment.

So if you’re always the one suggesting another round, stop and ask yourself why.

People say you’re a ‘bad’ drinker

For years I’d brush it off when people told me I was a ‘terrible’ drinker, or that they ‘didn’t like me when I drank’.

Addiction controls how we think, so it can be hard to recognise in yourself. Listen to your loved ones; they can often spot a problem before you can.

Similarly if, more often than not, your drinking leads to embarrassment, guilt or anxiety, that’s not just normal ‘fun’ behaviour – it means you can’t control yourself.

You’ve Googled ‘Am I an alcoholic?’

This might sound like a joke. But before my recovery, I would Google ‘Am I an alcoholic?’ at least once a week – not because I thought I was, but to ‘prove’ to myself that I wasn’t.

I’d even compare my drinking to characters on TV to reassure myself my consumption wasn’t excessive.

In retrospect, a part of me clearly recognised that I had a problem with drinking. So rather than comparing yourself to other ‘real’ alcoholics, ask yourself: would someone who didn’t have a problem have to constantly prove it to themselves?

• Find out more at serena.consulting