Dear Caroline,
My dad died recently. He was very controlling and resisted putting my 92-year-old mum with dementia into a care home, which made her more spiteful and violent. He died suddenly, not long after she was forcibly moved into a home by social services.
My sister and I have been clearing out my parents’ house. My father was secretive and a hoarder, and we were never permitted to be alone there. Shockingly, we have discovered naked, sexualised photographs of us as children, and explicit ones of my mum’s mother. There was clearly an affair between my dad and his mother-in-law. It explains why my grandfather banned him from their home. I don’t know what to feel.
My doctor is very concerned and has referred me to counselling and prescribed antidepressants, but I’m beyond normal grief. I am so detached that it worries me. What has surprised me is a new protectiveness towards my mother. She was cold, selfish and critical. But I have moved past this, even the sense that she knew and blamed us. I feel sorry for her because I realise everyone in her life betrayed her.
This must all die with her, as I cannot carry these unbearable feelings forward.
Caroline says: This is a painful legacy for you and your sister. What your father did amounts to sexual abuse and is a terrible thing to discover. It is a profound betrayal of everything a parent should be.
Alongside this is the discovery that he had a relationship with his own mother-in-law – your grandmother – which is another layer of deception for you, your sister and your mother. The perception you had of your grandmother – a woman you perhaps loved – has been deeply shaken.
It says a great deal about you that you are able even now to feel compassion for your mother, despite how she treated you and what you now suspect she may have known. It is no wonder you feel overwhelmed. That sense of detachment can happen when the mind is faced with too much; it is a way of protecting you.
I understand your doctor’s concern. Remember that antidepressants can take several weeks to work, so if you feel at risk, contact your GP urgently or Samaritans (on 116 123). In the meantime, you need support. Counselling will help and do also ask your doctor about trauma-related conditions, including PTSD, so that you can get appropriate treatment. Mind.org.uk has information about this. Also contact napac.org.uk, which supports people affected by childhood abuse. With the right help, this monumental grief and despair will ease.
How can I say no without seeming rude?
Dear Caroline,
My husband and I have been friends with another couple (who we met through a sports club) for about 15 years. However, while he still gets on with the husband, I have become completely fed up of the wife.
Our youngest adult child has mental health issues and I have an elderly father in need of support. Her life is deciding where to go on their next holiday or whether to go to the gym or shop for designer clothes. She is always asking me to do stuff with her and now they want us to go on holiday with them, which I would never choose to do. How can I get her to back down without being rude?
Caroline says: I’m feeling rather fed up of this woman too – and I haven’t even met her! To give her the benefit of the doubt, maybe she is being generous in wanting to include you, but without understanding the complexities of your life. However, she does sound disappointingly shallow.
I suspect also you are feeling overwhelmed because you have a great deal going on with both your father and your child, so the contrast between her life and yours creates a gap. It is awkward as your husband remains friends with hers, but you are absolutely allowed to decline.
Say, without additional explanation, that you are really struggling at the moment and just want a holiday alone with your husband. If she is offended, that is her problem, not yours.
