We live in an age of relationship optimism.
There’s a perception that if you ‘work hard’ at your relationship or go to therapy, all relationships are fixable.
It’s a comforting idea – but it simply isn’t true.
There are some things that no amount of counselling or commitment can reverse because they aren’t problems. They’re a reality that must be accepted.
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There’s a perception that if you ‘work hard’ at your relationship or go to therapy, all relationships are fixable. It’s a comforting idea – but it simply isn’t true, writes Tracey Cox (pictured)
Your partner reveals they’re gay
A spouse who comes out as gay or lesbian during a marriage is often finally confronting something they’ve suppressed for years, sometimes decades.
Therapy cannot change sexual orientation and no amount of love or talking is going to make you the right partner if you’re not the right gender for the person you’re with.
Why do people, particularly men, pretend they’re straight in the first place?
Around 65 percent (in the small pool of research there is available on gay men who marry women) do it because they want children and family life. Today, you can enjoy those things and live as a gay man, but not all men want the ‘gay version’.
One of my close friends genuinely loved the woman he married, even though he felt attracted to men. He wanted to have children in a ‘straight set up’ and desperately hoped the ‘gay thing’ would be something he’d ‘grow out of’.
It wasn’t.
Twenty-five years and three kids into the marriage, he knew he couldn’t escape from the truth. He loved his wife but as a best friend only.
Their split was one of the most painful things I have ever seen because neither wanted to separate but couldn’t live a lie either.
They’ve fallen out of love
Not all relationships last forever and you cannot make your partner love you if all emotional and sexual connection has gone completely.
We’re humans, not robots. Life takes us in unexpected directions that change us a little or a lot.
Even the closest couple cannot control how their partner will evolve over their life. Feelings can gradually slip away through no particular fault of either person.
It feels so unfair, but it doesn’t matter if you still love them. You can improve communication and resolve conflict but there is no magic love potion to make someone fall back in love with you.
It’s true that couples fall in and out of love over the course of a marriage. But the love never disappears entirely.
They announce they’re leaving for someone else
Cheating is more common than you think but affairs are far shorter than you imagine. Around 25 per cent of all affairs last less than a week, 65 per cent end within the first six months and only ten per cent become long-term.
Infidelity fizzles fast because the excitement comes from doing something taboo; most aren’t looking to replace their current partner.
It’s when the snuggle and chat after the legs-in-the-air hotel room sex becomes just as enjoyable, that you’re in trouble. Add talk of a future together and the primary relationship is in extreme danger – though there is still a shred of hope of saving it.
It’s when your partner looks you in the eye and tells you they’re leaving for someone else that it’s done.
Cheating that’s regretted and apologised for is one thing; showing you’re willing to chuck everything away for this new person is game over.
You’ll find Tracey’s latest book, Great Sex Starts at 50, wherever you buy your books.
FIVE THINGS THAT LOOK UNFIXABLE BUT AREN’T
Not everything that feels broken is beyond repair.
They’ve withdrawn and ‘checked out’: Withdrawal is often a protective response to feeling hurt or unseen rather than a sign of lost love.
You haven’t had sex in ages: Lots of couples are perfectly happy in sexless relationships. If one of you isn’t, sex therapy has a good success rate.
You’re opposites:Fundamental differences in personality – like an introvert/extrovert combination – can work. It’s only a problem if you treat it as a problem rather than viva la difference!
One major betrayal: One single, serious crisis – a lie, financial secret, one-night-stand – can feel like the end. But if you’re both committed to healing, it can create the honesty the relationship previously lacked.
Different parenting styles: Wanting to raise your children in completely different ways is a common cause of marital tension. In most cases though, the argument isn’t about the goals but about the method of achieving them (which is far easier to solve)
