SARAH VINE: Princesses need to wake up and smell the lapsang

The revelations last week that Princesses Beatrice and Eugenie have been living rent-free for two decades in grace-and-favour homes in royal palaces have drawn considerable outrage.

Understandably so: they are not working royals, and both have independent careers as well as private homes with their partners.

Nevertheless, there was a time when such cosy arrangements (together with the news that their father was sub-letting homes on the Royal Lodge estate) would have attracted little criticism.

The fact that they have not only been exposed but also roundly condemned is telling of the precarious position the monarchy now finds itself in.

For me, the notion of a hereditary monarchy has always been a bit of a fairy tale. The idea that some people are inherently superior to the rest of us simply by accident of birth is absurdly old-fashioned and clearly untrue.

In the modern world, royalty and all the trappings that come with it are symbols of another age.

That does not mean I am a republican – far from it. I love the monarchy in the same way I love Mapp And Lucia and Jeeves And Wooster. I admire it in the same way I admire a Titian or Michelangelo’s Pieta, or love to lose myself in the voice of Maria Callas or an old Hollywood movie. Yes, the monarchy is an outdated institution – but that does not make it worthless.

It’s an integral part of our cultural heritage. The Royal Family perform a vital function not just as figureheads (see King Charles’s recent trip to the US) but also in bringing the nation together at times of crisis or celebration.

The revelations last week that Princesses Beatrice (R) and Eugenie (L) have been living rent-free for two decades in grace-and-favour homes in royal palaces have drawn considerable outrage

The late Queen was rightly loved and respected for her years of service, dedication and determination. Royalty is part of what brings this nation together, and long may it continue.

But like all things that belong to another age, much of its appeal relies on a certain amount of mythology, a degree of magical thinking. Like The Wizard Of Oz, it is better not to see the reality of the man (or woman) behind the myth, lest they turn out to be fallible humans like the rest of us.

For the monarchy to work, it requires a degree of detachment and mystery. Pull back the velvet curtain too far and you break the spell. Or to quote the 19th-century essayist Walter Bagehot: ‘Its mystery is its life. We must not let in daylight upon magic.’ 

The late Queen understood this. She always regretted allowing a TV crew to film her in 1969 and was deeply uncomfortable with the presence of cameras at her coronation. Prince Philip, too, was a firm believer in the adage ‘Never complain, never explain’.

Their heirs less so. Prince Harry has laid himself bare in the most excruciating detail (remember the frostbitten penis?). His wife, meanwhile, documents the family’s every moment on social media, milking her royal connections for all they’re worth.

The Prince and Princess of Wales are more circumspect, but still they go to great (and in my humble opinion unnecessary) pains to cast themselves as an ‘ordinary’ family. Even the King has been exposed in ways most unbecoming of a monarch (the ‘Camillagate’ tapes, for example: toe-curling).

And let’s not forget Princess Diana, the original royal over-sharer. She didn’t so much pull back the velvet curtain as shred it.

All these things and countless others have slowly eaten away at the idea of the Royal Family being somehow untouchable, infallible, inherently noble. And the deference that once existed in the minds of the public has evaporated with it.

Take away the titles and the money and the baubles and, in some instances, they’ve behaved no better than your average commoner. In some cases, worse.

Speaking of which, the King’s brother, Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor, has not so much let the daylight in as blown the roof off the entire structure. He denies any wrongdoing, but that’s not the point here. The point is, the monarchy has lost its mystery. And it will never truly get it back.

Granted, some stardust still surrounds the Prince and Princess of Wales and their children, but the rest are so overexposed they cannot possibly expect to be treated with the same deference their predecessors enjoyed.

Some, such as Princess Anne’s children, seem OK with this. Others, like the Mountbatten-Windsor girls, less so.

It’s time Beatrice and Eugenie woke up and smelled the lapsang souchong. Unless they want to end up in the remainder bin of royalty like their father, they should relinquish their grace-and-favours pronto – and, like Andrew, get used to living in the style to which they are unaccustomed.

Farewell, my teen crush 

Anthony Head was the star of the Gold Blend adverts in the 1980s

So sad to hear of the passing of the actor Anthony Head. As the star of the Gold Blend adverts in the 1980s, he was my – and all my friends’ – teenage crush. We couldn’t wait for the next instalment of his caffeine-centric romance with Sharon Maughan, and I rather fancied myself in her shoes. 

I was mortified when a then-boyfriend said he thought I was more like Lynda Bellingham in the Oxo ads. Either way, Head went on to play Giles in Buffy The Vampire Slayer (another seminal cultural milestone) – before closing out his career in the brilliant Ted Lasso.

By all accounts a kind, gentle soul, he will be much missed.

 I fear for Harper

According to the Sunday Times Rich List, David and Victoria Beckham are now worth £1.185billion, making David Britain’s first sportsman billionaire. So why, pray, is their daughter Harper, aged just 14, about to launch her own line of teenage skincare? It’s not like they need the money. More importantly, shouldn’t a child that age be focusing on their schoolwork?

Why, pray, is David and Victoria’s daughter Harper (pictured), aged just 14, about to launch her own line of teenage skincare?

But most of all, with the many insecurities Victoria says she suffered during her Spice Girls era, does she really want to inflict similar pressures on a whole new generation of teenage girls via her own daughter?

There is a special place in hell for people who put their cases at the front of the plane when they are seated mid and back, meaning everyone else has to put theirs where those selfish travellers’ ones should be, causing havoc when disembarking. Why do airlines allow this? 

A text-book triumph, Ms Pike! 

Well done to the actress Rosamund Pike for berating an audience member who was sending a text message during an especially emotional moment in her West End play Inter Alia. It is the height of rudeness. If I had my way, theatres and cinemas would be lead-lined so that they could automatically be phone-free zones. 

My heart goes out to my colleague Liz Jones, whose beloved collie Mini has died. She was 20, a great age for any dog, but still: too soon.

The day my first dog, Mars, was run over by a car during a holiday in Cornwall I cried like a baby. I’ve resented Cornwall ever since, which is obviously irrational, but there you go.

My eldest dog, Muffin, is getting on a bit now. She sleeps on my bed, along with the cat and the newest dog, Florence – a big silly lump with no concept of personal space. Sometimes I wake in the night in a panic that Muffin has somehow died, and have to shake her awake to check. She growls and snaps at me with her few remaining teeth, and I’ve never felt happier.

RIP, Mini. Courage, Liz.