When it is packed and icily silent the House of Commons can still shrivel the parts other beers cannot reach. There’s nothing quite like this old, wood-lined chamber for exposing the over-mighty and catching hypocrites’ tails in the mangle.
Sir Keir Starmer, who once presented himself a figure of such rectitude, stood in the centre of the chamber, encircled by frowns. Our pernickety lawyer was in the dock. Doubt sloshed at his piers like an incoming river tide. Dank, muddy doubt.
Things did not go well for the PM. The jaded hack in me had expected him to survive this late-afternoon parliamentary statement without too much difficulty. He has, after all, an enormous majority.
But in his hour of need (two and a half hours, to be precise) that counted for little.
Apart from a few egregious greasers – Leyton’s Calvin Bailey and Camborne’s Perran Moon among the oiliest – Labour backbenchers were uncharmed by their leader.
Nor, this time, did his tactic of baffling small-print work. He has left it too late for that. MPs listened to Sir Keir’s legalistic ‘yes, buts’ and many of them, I fear, heard only a wriggler.
Kemi Badenoch’s long and detailed prosecution was heard, as Sir Keir’s initial excuses had been, with pin-drop silence.
The only noise came after Sir Keir said: ‘I know many MPs across the House will find these facts to be incredible.’
Keir Starmer met his colleague’s glowers with one of his own
The Prime Minister faced scepticism from his own benches, and ridicule from those opposite
Do YOU think Starmer should have known about the vetting issues?
Wham! A sudden yelp of laughter from the Opposition benches.
Mrs Badenoch concluded by remarking on the Prime Minster’s odd lack of curiosity about Peter Mandelson’s security vetting.
As she sat down even the driest prune would have felt a pinch of discomfort. And that was before the Mother of the House, Diane Abbott, brutally mocked Sir Keir’s ‘nobody told me’ defence.
‘Why didn’t the Prime Minister ask?’ demanded Ms Abbott, openly laughing.
Oh, baby, you should have seen the faces of the Cabinet. Pure hatred (towards Diane). Anxiety. Awkwardness.
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There was more of that a few minutes later when John McDonnell (Lab, Hayes & Harlington) criticised the hold that Peter Mandelson and Morgan McSweeney had held over Sir Keir. They had ‘damaged’ Labour.
Rachel Reeves, who was sitting next to Sir Keir, spat at Mr McDonnell the words, ‘YOU damaged the party!’ David Lammy, deputy PM, joined the abuse of Mr McDonnell.
It had been 3.33pm when parliamentary annunciator screens flicked up the words ‘Statement: Security Vetting’. That was the formal description of what was, really, a prime ministerial statement on his own honesty.
Statement: Are We Led By A Liar Or Are Civil Servants Completely Out Of Control? Maybe both of those things are true.
The upstairs gallery reserved for members of the House of Lords was full. Various old Whitehall grandees were in attendance. The Blob’s fuse box has caught fire over this affair.
Also among the peers was Norman Lamont, who once said of John Major that he was ‘in office but not in power’.
When Sir Ed Davey of the Lib Dems aimed that same phrase at Sir Keir, Lord Lamont looked sweetly chuffed. What a low-rent thief Davey is.
Gareth Snell (Lab, Stoke C) signalled distress by rotating, at high speed, his jazzily-socked right foot. Karl Turner (Hull E) was heckled by one of his more oafish former party colleagues, Neil Coyle (Lab, Bermondsey), for suggesting that trust in politicians was being hit by ‘this sorry saga’.
Tulip Siddiq (Lab, Hampstead & Highgate) was slumped in her seat, gazing languidly to one side.
Ed Miliband stared at the tip of his nose and ran an index finger under his lower lip. Wes Streeting stood on tiptoes behind the Speaker’s Chair. Many Labour MPs had arms crossed. They’re fed up.
Lee Anderson (Ref, Ashfield) got himself kicked out for saying the PM was a liar. Zarah Sultana (My Party, Coventry S) upstaged him by being not only kicked out but also suspended for calling Sir Keir ‘a barefaced liar’.
Please, this is a parliament. You can’t say that!
