Steve and I seem like the perfect couple. But we have a secret…

You could say that Steve and I are the perfect couple.

We’ve just returned from a weekend away, celebrating the 60th birthday of the friend who acted as best man at our wedding back in 2000. We took our dog for a walk, went for lunch… it was like a weekend with my best friend.

Unlike many people, I’m lucky to enjoy a close relationship with my in-laws, too. I even go away with my mother-in-law sometimes, and keep clothes at their house for when I stay with them, on my own.

I’m lucky, I know. Many women would kill for a supporting, loving and respectful relationship like ours.

So what’s the secret? Naturally, we both care deeply for each other. But it might surprise you to know that Steve and I are actually no longer together.

We separated in 2020, just before the first Covid lockdown. In the immediate aftermath we continued to live together with our son Alex, now 20.

We sold our family home, and I lived with Steve when he moved into his new home in spring 2020, until I moved into my new house in April 2021. I now live in Essex and he lives in Kent, just a 45-minute drive away.

We even viewed our new places together. We each have a room at the other’s house, and have been known to share a bed when we go on group holidays – platonically, though, of course.

What might surprise people most is that our finances are all still shared, which is the reason we have not felt the need to formally divorce.

Many women would kill for a supporting, loving and respectful relationship like ours, writes Alison Middleton Timms

Steve and Alison separated in 2020, just before the first Covid lockdown – but in the immediate aftermath they continued to live together with their son Alex

The couple are still leaving everything to each other in their wills because, as Alison says, ‘what we have built up is meant for our son’

We still have a joint bank account and credit card, as well as our own. The inheritance from my mum and dad is in accounts in both our names. Besides each owning our own separate homes, we also have some rental properties together. Why go through the pain of dividing everything up when it’s all working well and we trust each other?

Our wills have been made, too, and we’re leaving everything to each other, as well as our son. That wouldn’t change even if we both remarried: what we have built up is meant for our son, and we want to keep it in the family.

I know what you’re thinking – if it’s so perfect, why did you break up?

After many health struggles, and moving to Hong Kong for my work in 2009, it became clear that we didn’t want the same things any more, and we grew apart. So rather than just stay together for Alex’s sake, we decided to be honest about our changing directions.

We met when we were both in our 30s and working for an international law firm: me in HR and Steve in IT.

We had both come out of relationships that hadn’t ended well. When we went for a drink after work one evening, just the two of us, everyone knew we were going to get together. We both helped each other heal.

Things got tough pretty quickly, though. Steve developed severe inflammatory bowel disease and had a number of big operations, which I was by his side for. I remember the surgeon saying to us that we had something really special.

There were times when we thought he wouldn’t make it, and my mum even asked me if I could handle it all. I told her there was no going back – we were in too deep together.

Steve had a particularly difficult operation in January 2000, which he nearly didn’t survive. So we were married at the end of that year, as we were determined to end such an awful period with something happy.

Alex was born in 2005 and soon after Steve ended up retiring from work on medical grounds. He threw himself into being a stay-at-home dad, while I became the main breadwinner at the law firm where we’d met.

When I was seconded to Hong Kong, it was supposed to be for only six months, so that made the decision easier. Then I was asked to stay on, which we all happily agreed to.

But that was where things would start to unravel.

My job was very stressful, but it was the reason we had residency visas, a house and a place for Alex at an international school. So I couldn’t just give it all up, even when Steve’s health wobbled again in 2015 and 2016, as he then developed renal issues, for which he had to go into hospital.

I felt a lot of pressure to keep working and providing. My parents were also ageing and deteriorating – my mum had to have a kidney removed and my dad needed further dementia support – so I felt torn between Hong Kong and the UK.

Steve and I had been through a lot together, which I thought would make us rock-solid. But in reality, we were growing apart.

There were hurt feelings when we first talked, but most of it was sadness, uncertainty and a feeling perhaps that we had failed, says Alison

Alison runs a wellbeing business, offering therapies and treatments such as hypnotherapy

I felt a very clear pull towards the next chapter of my life. We both originally thought it would be nice to move to Spain, and I loved the idea of opening a retreat centre. But Steve didn’t want to do that as, after his recovery, he wanted to live more of a quiet life.

We eventually agreed on two things in 2019: that it was time to return to the UK, as the political situation in Hong Kong had become quite dangerous; and that it was time to separate.

There were hurt feelings when we first talked, but most of it was sadness, uncertainty and a feeling perhaps that we had failed.

I believed that I had given quite a lot of myself to being there for him when he was ill, so I felt a little rejected. I thought we had gone through so much that we were invincible.

Still, he reassured me that we would find a way forward; that he’d always be there and we’d sort it out – and we have!

In separating, it’s like we have found ourselves and found a way back to each other.

We text most days, speak on the phone a couple times a week, and see each other every week or fortnight. Most importantly, we support each other, without the pressure of having to be the perfect husband or wife.

We broke the news to Alex in January 2020, when he was 14. He had started at boarding school in the UK, and we knew that once he was settled there, he’d be less affected by different living arrangements. We reassured him that very little would change family-wise.

In the February, we told our parents. But we insisted that we intended to be the same family, just not living together.

Alex is at university now, though is constantly popping home. Steve usually picks him up, and he and Alex come to mine or we go over to Steve’s, so we are all together.

I’m sure lots of people were wondering how we were going to make it work as friends. The truth is, we’re more like brother and sister now. There never has been a moment where one of us intimated that we wanted more, after that agreement to separate.

Perhaps the most awkward thing about my relationship with Steve is explaining the situation to potential new partners, although neither of us has met anyone. I have had a few dates. I have some lovely male friends and, on occasions, a couple have wanted more. But they haven’t been right for me.

Any dates do need to be understanding about the relationship I have with Steve and not feel threatened by it.

We have talked about how things might change if either of us did meet someone else. I would just want Steve to be happy. We’d still have family time all together – just with the new person involved, too.

Now, we both get to live the lives we want.

Steve is very much home-based and enjoys walking the dog, going to the cinema and volunteering for community groups.

I now run a wellbeing business, offering therapies and treatments such as hypnotherapy.

Alex has come to accept our relationship for what it is. He has a room at both our places and divides his time between us.

I have no regrets. We have the best of both worlds – enjoying each other’s company, while living our own lives without worrying about letting the other one down.

Perhaps we’ve found the secret to a long-lasting relationship after all.

• As told to MaryLou Costa