There are many things that can make you feel secure in your relationship, be it good communication or public displays of affection.
But, though we might not always want to admit it, the number one thing that makes you feel good is knowing your partner desires you.
Because, though few of us dare ask, we all want to know: ‘Am I good in bed?’
You might think you would know straight away if the answer was ‘no’, but in fact it’s rare for people to express negative feedback in this area – it just feels too awkward.
Having worked as a couples counsellor for ten years, I’ve learned to recognise the subtle signs of sexual discontent. Here are the nine signs you should be aware of that your partner is unsatisfied with your performance…
You never talk about sex
The only way to truly know your partner’s desires is through conversation.
There’s huge amounts of research that says that couples who discuss their sexual preferences report higher levels of satisfaction in their entire relationship. If you never talk about your sex life with your partner, or feel embarrassed at the prospect, the odds are high that they’re not completely content.
You make assumptions
Research shows that as many as 60 per cent of people don’t know what their partner’s sexual preferences are.
Think about it; do you know what your partner likes or wants in bed, or did you just assume you did?
Making false assumptions in bed can impact your entire relationship; your partner may think that if you don’t understand them in bed, you don’t understand them in daily life, too. So don’t guess what your partner wants – ask them.
Distracted by chores
Emotional engagement is a huge part of sex, so if you aren’t mentally present and truly responsive, your partner will notice.
You might think that if you’re going through the motions but thinking about the laundry or the kids’ music lessons, that it’s your partner who’s bad in bed. While this could be true, it could also be the case that your lack of interest is making you the problem.
Nerves take over
If you’re nervous your body will freeze up. When this happens, sex becomes a box-ticking exercise – and your partner will be able to tell.
Instead of worrying about your next ‘move’, focus on what feels good in the moment. Ask your partner if they’re enjoying it. Most people will be thrilled you’re engaged enough to check in.
You can only do it with the light off
It may be a cliché, but it’s true that confidence is sexy.
When you lack body confidence, you won’t feel free to be spontaneous so you’re less responsive – and your partner will notice. Many people insist on having sex in the dark, or under the covers, to try to feel less self-conscious.
But by limiting the circumstances in which you’ll have sex, you limit both parties’ opportunities for pleasure.
Sex becomes a race
You wouldn’t do a heavy weights session in the gym without warming up first, and the same applies to sex. You can’t rush pleasure; if nothing else, it takes time for pleasure signals to reach the brain, so you need to relax into it.
It’s not just men who rush – many women have a ‘let’s get it ticked off’ mentality. But all they’re doing is ensuring nobody is satisfied.
If you recognise this behaviour in your partner though, stop and think about why they might be rushing. Are they not enjoying your performance?
You ignore positive reactions
We’re all naturally on the look out for negative reactions during sex. But are you paying attention to their positive reactions too?
Every quiver and intake of breath gives you a cue about what your partner likes, and if you don’t take these on board and respond accordingly, then sex becomes unsatisfying even if you’re not doing anything actively ‘wrong’.
Porn provides inspiration
Most porn is about as realistic as a Marvel film – and it should not be used as a manual for a happy sex life.
Porn gives you a distorted view of what is expected from you, which will only add to your nerves. As a woman, you might think you copying pornographic moves would excite your partner. But it’s just a highway to disappointment. Your experience is not going to mirror the fantasy – so keep the two separate.
Hugs are a thing of the past
Do you hold your partner’s hand, maintain eye contact during conversations and regularly hug them?
If not, that tells me that you’re not emotionally keyed in to your partner – meaning your sex life will suffer.
It’s important to show your partner that you can be affectionate without the ‘reward’ of an orgasm. Those gestures build emotional trust and safety – key for good sex. If you feel disconnected outside of the bedroom, it’s nearly impossible to have good sex in it.
- As told to Olivia Dean
