Dear Jane,
I recently went on my first family vacation with my in-laws – and let’s just say that it did not go as planned.
I’m honestly unsure I can look at my mother-in-law the same way again.
My husband and his siblings booked the trip for their mom shortly after their dad passed away. The hope was that it would offer a welcome reprieve from the grief.
And, at first, the vacation was going as well as it could for a family who had just suffered an immense loss.
Immediately upon arrival, my mother-in-law seemed joyous and relaxed, almost as if she had forgotten the devastating reality of her late husband’s death. She was smiling, laughing and, frankly, having the time of her life.
Little did we know the glee would be shattered on our very first night.
At dinner, of course, my late father-in-law came up in conversation. While I was initially concerned that the topic would upset my mother-in-law, she suddenly stood up from the table and made a bold declaration.
‘I’m glad he’s dead,’ she said, slurring slightly.
I was convinced her brazen admission had to be the multiple glasses of wine talking – but no! She continued on, explaining that she was flooded with relief at his passing because she had cheated on him years ago and couldn’t live with the guilt of her transgression any longer.
Naturally, the remaining six days of vacation were awkward. My mother-in-law acted like nothing had changed, yet the rest of us could barely speak to her.
Now, I’m concerned I’ll never be able to see her the same way and I fear for what it will mean for my husband’s relationship with his mom. He’s understandably very upset.
Is there a way for the family to somehow look past her behavior and admission?
Sincerely,
In-law infidelity
Dear In-law infidelity,
We never really know what goes on behind the closed doors of a marriage.
We often think people have a picture perfect union from the outside, only for them to split up, because, in the privacy of their own home, it wasn’t as blissful as it seemed.
You nor your husband know the true story behind your in-laws relationship. The only people who really know are your mother-in-law and late father-in-law.
You also don’t know why she cheated on her husband – only that, in a drunken state, she admitted something wildly inappropriate and heartless.
We never really know what goes on behind the closed doors of a marriage
It seems more likely that her confession of relief could be because something else was going on. It is a stretch that a person would be glad someone is dead merely because of their own guilt.
While alcohol is considered the great truth-teller, many things are said in drink that are not necessarily true.
I understand how upsetting this must be for your husband, who is still mourning his father, but it’s not your job to intervene and heal the family. And I’m not sure there’s a way to merely sweep her behavior under the rug.
Try to remember that as human beings, we are all fallible. While we do the best we can, we stumble through life making mistakes that could be held against us forever.
The only way for your husband and his siblings to make peace with this is to tell her how it made them feel.
There may be an explanation that makes sense – or there may not be – and whether that brings healing or pushes them further apart is unknown. But I can tell you for certain that pretending it wasn’t said will only hang over everyone for years.
Dear Jane,
I have been with my girlfriend for two blissful years and we finally want to move in together.
But there’s just one issue: her dog.
Prior to us dating, she adopted a small dog from the local shelter with her ex, who she lived with at the time. When they eventually called it quits, she kept her beloved pet, who she adores more than anything.
They snuggle on the couch and she allows the dog to sleep in our bed – and even made an Instagram account for pictures of him.
The dog, however, has not taken kindly to me. He growls when I try to pick him up, and prefers my girlfriend to walk, bathe and pet him. It’s safe to say he hates me.
And the feeling is mutual. Every time I look at this animal, I’m reminded of my girlfriend’s ex and I’m dreading the fact that I’ll have to live with it.
So I asked my girlfriend if she would be open to the idea of giving the dog to a friend or family member.
I thought it was a reasonable request, given that the dog seems to dislike me and it was once an animal she shared with another man.
She did not take it well. She told me she would not be getting rid of her dog and, if it was such an issue, she wouldn’t be moving in with me at all. In fact, she threatened to leave me entirely.
I’m distraught. I don’t want to lose the woman I love, but I can’t stand the thought of living with her pet.
Should I just put up with it or tell her it’s me or the dog?
Sincerely,
In the doghouse
Dear In the doghouse,
There are many people who view their pets as, well, pets.
Then, there are others who see them as precious members of the family who could never be given away under any circumstance.
Imagine if this were her child. Would you be quite so cavalier?
It must be brutal to be disliked by the dog and I can see why you don’t want him around.
But I suspect the dog feels that you can’t stand him, which is why he reacts so poorly towards you.
Why you are so triggered by a dog that your girlfriend adopted with her ex? The dog didn’t choose its owners.
You have an opportunity to bond with the animal, but that has to start with you addressing your negative feelings.
As long as you dislike the dog, the dog will dislike you.
My suggestion, should you want to make this relationship work, is to focus on working with the dog to establish your own relationship with him.
There are plenty of books out there on how to train a dog, and I suspect that once the two of you understand each other, with time, everything will be easier.
