Well, the cavalry arrived to help me with my cavalry, or at least to sit with Mini Puppy while I look after the horses.
I had texted to say could he please come to the garden door, not the front door, and on no account to knock, as Mini is asleep. Of course, he ignored all that, as men never read texts. He came in empty-handed.
‘Where’s the shopping, your case?’
‘In the car.’
Why do men – plumbers, ex-boyfriends, Octopus engineers, every bloody one of them – leave things in the car? They are in and out like yo-yos; particularly annoying as Mini sleeps in her bed by the front door and can’t be disturbed. He was out of breath: turns out he now has COPD (a lung condition), triggered by smoking.
I was dispatched to fetch his case and all the shopping: three bags of gluten-free products (you have guessed who has arrived to help), no food for me, but treats for the dogs and champagne. I left him with Mini and a long list of instructions while I went to the yard.
When I returned three hours later, Mini was on a hard floor (I was like Mrs Chase with the little shih tzu in Fawlty Towers: ‘The cushion! The cushion!’) and had lain on her poo, turning it into a pancake. Not a good start.
He was cooking, mashing potato to make agnolotti.
I noticed an empty packet of parmesan. ‘I can’t eat that.’
He groaned. ‘I forgot.’
Me: ‘I didn’t forget you are coeliac.’
He had used every pan in the house. He eventually made me tomato sauce with fresh (contains eggs) pasta. He said he wasn’t hungry.
The next morning (he sleeps on the top floor), I came down to find the back door and garden door wide open. I only just stopped Teddy bolting.
He was in the churchyard, topless, just standing there.
‘What are you doing???!!!! Teddy could have killed a dog, had to be put down!’
‘I thought I heard a bang.’
‘But you know you can’t leave an outside door open!’
‘I forgot.’
I asked him to hoover while I was gone; he said he can’t carry it upstairs. Or get logs in. I gave him a shopping list and after peering he asked, ‘What does PB Lurpak mean?’
On morning two, he texted to say he couldn’t stop water pouring out of the shower.
I raced upstairs, managed to stop it and got soaked.
‘If there is something wrong with your house you should have warned me,’ he said.
‘No one else has ever had a problem. If you wanted a YouTube video, you should have said.’
Him: ‘Oh, f*** off. I’m going.’
I went down to the kitchen, stuffed all his GF biscuits, smoked salmon and box of sticky dates back in the carrier bags, along with his cheap bathroom products. He texted from the safety of two floors away from me: ‘I am sorry I got angry. I will stay if you want me to. I don’t know if you realise how condescending you can be. That’s a big trigger for me.’
Me: ‘Almost killing my dog is a big trigger for me.’
He is still here, but god knows for how long. I told him I have enough to do looking after the horses, working, the dogs, and that I can’t monitor him as well, be on high alert. I don’t need winding up as I am already coiled, like a spring. I like my mornings to be tranquil, ie, no screaming matches.
I really wonder how women manage to stay married, how they can stand the constant shuffling, the awful tinkly noise from his computer game: it’s only been three days and I want to kill myself. On the third night, I made my signature curry, as I told him he uses far too many pans, then leaves me to clear up. He sent a long list, outlining each pan he had used that day, and precisely what for.
Gaahahahahahahah!!!!!!!!
I tell Nic. She says, ‘Give the fella his due. He got in his car and came to help. And you’re not even in a relationship.’
She’s right. Just now, he told me he has ordered an oxygen tank to help him tackle the stairs to the top floor. He has to sleep up there as I need to be near Mini downstairs. He says it’s like climbing Everest. I know my default setting is to hate men, but it turns out this one deserves love.
Jones moans… what Liz loathes this week
- Why is Coronation Street always replaced by sport?
- David 1.0 after watching The Ballad of Wallis Island: ‘It was OK, not the best film I’ve ever seen. What about the Liam Neeson one in the snow?’
