If the half-naked foam party on a mega-yacht hasn’t tipped you off, here’s the message: It’s Jeff Bezos and his big, fat, incel wedding!
Yes, even a 61-year-old billionaire, it seems, has insecurities. An inner teen reject, if you will.
How else to explain the vulgarity on display, the sex and wealth being shoved in our faces as the Middle East burns, as average Americans struggle economically, as Katy Perry and Orlando Bloom seem to be on the verge of breaking up?
Those two figure prominently, by the way, as Katy was part of the all-female Space Force assembled by Bezos and his soon-to-be wife, the pneumatic Lauren Sánchez.
Indeed, word before this weekend’s Bezos-Sanchez nuptials is that Perry will no longer be attending. She has, it seems, an unspecified prior commitment.
Really? What kind of ‘prior commitment’ could keep Katy Perry — tour sagging, sales lagging, cultural relevance in decline — from hobnobbing at the A-list wedding of the millennium?
What could keep this newly-minted space cadet from triumphantly reuniting with fellow astronauts Sánchez and Gayle King — she of ‘Have you been?’
Ironically, Perry’s recent trip to outer space may be to blame. As a source close to the singer exclusively told the Daily Mail, Bloom let Perry have it over what he called an ’embarrassing’ and ‘cringeworthy’ flight that she depicted as a feminist victory.
Bloom, who is 48 — it’s so easy to forget these chronological ages, given the juvenile behavior of most everyone involved — also told the 40-year-old Perry that ‘the whole thing’ (meaning the 11-minute space flight that ended with Perry kissing the ground upon landing) ‘looked ridiculous,’ according to this source.
Yet Bloom is still invited to the wedding! Despite inadvertently insulting both Sánchez and Bezos!
The source noted the same.
‘He complains about her going to space and then wants to go to the wedding of the people who made it possible for her to do this in the first place,’ the Perry source griped.
Truly: what is it that Bloom, Sánchez and Bezos have in common? An aging heartthrob, a mediocre journalist, and a billionaire who most resembles Dr. Evil?
The mind reels.
Anyway, the Perry source wasn’t done.
‘It hurt her feelings. . . . Imagine going to space — mother******* space! — and your partner isn’t supportive.’
Hey, at least Gayle has Oprah — platonically.
Perhaps it’s for the best that Perry sits this one out, because the scale and scope of this thing is beyond obscene.
Recall the paparazzi photos and videos, in May, of Bezos spanking Sánchez, wearing a thong bikini, on his $500 million yacht.
Jeff Bezos is savvy enough to know that the press is out there with long lenses. Same with the ‘foam party’ he just threw, cavorting with a bikini-clad Sánchez, raising his arm as if in victory while bubbles rested on his wife’s shelf-like breasts.
It’s not enough that Bezos squires Sánchez to President Trump’s inauguration with her implants bursting out of a lowcut blazer. Or that fellow tech billionaire Mark Zuckerberg was caught ogling her like a 12-year-old boy.
Or that for the past week, the 55-year-old Sánchez has had her boobs and ass hanging out all over the Mediterranean, frolicking through a daytime foam party that, frankly, feels almost freak-off adjacent.
Sánchez is rarely photographed without looking like she’s just so ecstatic, that she never feels objectified or annoyed no matter how often or publicly little Jeff gropes her.
It’s eerily reminiscent of another billionaire and his younger, brunette acquisition: Ari Onassis and Jackie Kennedy.
Upon marrying the former First Lady in 1968, Onassis subjected Jackie to no end of humiliations, including having sex with her in open spaces, visible to staff and guests, and arranging for paparazzi to photograph Jackie sunbathing nude on one of Ari’s private islands.
Jackie paid a very high price to be a billionaire’s wife. So too, I suspect, will Lauren Sánchez.
It’s not enough that Bezos builds a rocket with a rounded-style phallus to launch his lady into space, or that, with his glossy bald head and ultra-taut skin, he has come to resemble a penis.
No: He has to prove to the world, over and over again, that Jeff Bezos is no longer a pasty tech nerd but a stud — the studliest stud who ever studded.
Hence we have what those in psychology call overcompensation: A four-day, star-studded wedding event costing between $63.6 million and $76.2 million, according to the Globe and Mail.
Approximately 90 private jets will be flying virtue-signaling, utterly hypocritical celebrities into Venice, a crumbling city whose inhabitants do not want this disgusting influx of decadence and entitlement.
No matter. What Jeff wants, Jeff gets. He’s the biggest swinging male appendage around.
These most sacred vows will reportedly be exchanged on the island of San Giorgio at the Fini Foundation — best known for holding G7 summits — before close, personal friends such as Tom Brady, Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner, Michael Jordan, Lady Gaga, Bill Gates, Oprah Winfrey, Lachlan Murdoch, Barbra Streisand, Eva Longoria, Mick Jagger, and Hollywood’s #1 environmentalist Leonardo DiCaprio.
Quite a list. And this is, by all accounts, a smallish wedding with just 200 guests. It doesn’t leave a lot of room for extended family and friends from back when, does it?
Oh — and Kim Kardashian and her mom, Kris Jenner, have also reportedly made the cut. Kim and Kris were also among the 12 women invited to celebrate Lauren’s bachelorette in Paris last month — as was Katy Perry, who apparently is now persona non grata.
‘Forever starts with friendship’, Sánchez posted that weekend, ‘surrounded by the women who’ve lifted me up, illuminated my path in dark times, and shaped my heart along the way’.
If this new marriage is as transactional as friendships seem to be in Bezos-Sánchez world — well, we’re in for a spectacular divorce.
