A quick look, just to see what they’re up to. And 45 minutes later, you’re still forensically analysing a photo of your ex in a house you haven’t seen before.
Is it theirs? When did they buy it? How much is it worth? Did they get that promotion after all? Wait a minute… has his girlfriend put on weight or is that… a baby bump?
Goodbye sleep, hello heartbreak and another day of bitter, soul-destroying thoughts, all with the same theme: That should have been me living that life with him.
Checking on exes isn’t anything new – we all do it straight after a split, hoping they’re as miserable as we are. The difference now is we don’t know when or how to stop.
Nearly half of all Gen Z and Millennials regularly check up on exes online and searches on ‘how to check up on my ex’ have increased by nearly 1,700 per cent.
It’s assumed most do it because they want their ex back, but research now suggests it’s more complicated than that.
Lots of us are grieving the unfinished story that got interrupted – the version of ourselves we thought would happen if the relationship had continued.
That, it turns out, can be harder to let go of than the person – and it’s costing us our happiness.
UK sex and relationships expert Tracey Cox reveals the reasons why people feel the need to check in on their exes
Why we snoop long after it’s over
One force driving the checking is ‘intrusive attachment’: our brain refuses to accept the loss of someone it has deeply bonded with.
Falling in love activates the same neural pathways as addiction – the hormones released are tremendously powerful. Turn them off and the brain notices and craves its fix.
Neurologically speaking, checking your ex’s social media is like an addict driving past their dealer’s house. It doesn’t satisfy the craving, it intensifies it. Not recommended as a recovery strategy, obviously.
But far more destructive than looking for a hormone high is the second reason why you do it: comparison.
Every time you check on an ex, you’re measuring your new life without them against the life they’re living without you.
Are they doing better or worse than you are?
Did they get that raise or promotion? Is someone else enjoying the spoils of their success – something WE helped them achieve?
Is our replacement more attractive, sexier, more successful, funnier, better than us? How come she gets to enjoy that garden you still miss?
What’s with his sister looking all pally with the new girlfriend, she was never like that with you! Oh my god, is that a new PUPPY? What the hell?
The knife in your heart twists even more painfully as you see the future you thought you’d have, being enjoyed by someone else.
Eventually, the pain is so horrendous you’re desperate to stop. But how?
The only way to stop
The only way to beat an emotional obsession is to constantly challenge it with facts. In other words, engage the logical side of your brain.
Start by accepting obvious realities like…
It’s impossible to win the comparison game online
Social media isn’t reality. It’s a curated, filtered, carefully selected version of reality.
The ex who appears to be thriving – endlessly socialising and definitely NOT crying into his pillow at 3am – is performing.
You’re comparing your unedited interior life with their edited exterior one.
It’s the most unfair comparison imaginable and you will lose every single time.
Understand how your brain works
When a relationship with someone we once loved – or still do love – ends, we grieve.
The reason people say ‘time heals’ when it comes to grief is that your nervous system needs to gradually adjust to the absence of this person for you to recover.
It needs to stop expecting them to be there when you look up, to stop being there sitting beside you on the sofa.
Eventually, if they’re missing for long enough, your brain files them under ‘past’ not ‘present’.
Continually check on them online (or in person) and you’re blocking that process.
You’re telling your brain this person is still relevant, still in your life. Your brain can see them, right there on the screen!
Our brains constantly strive to keep us happy, so it dutifully keeps them front and centre because they assume the relationship is still going. This effectively stops you moving on and keeps you in a painful limbo land.
Block or mute them
It’s an obvious solution but one that people struggle to do. Here’s the brutal truth, though: this decision isn’t negotiable if you want to recover.
Willpower isn’t enough. You can’t accidentally stumble across something that isn’t there. Or give into temptation when you’re feeling vulnerable, three wines in.
Blocking is best but, if you don’t want them to know, mute instead. They can’t tell and you get to heal.
When tempted to snoop, ask yourself: ‘What outcome am I hoping for?’
Then apply logic. If they look happy, you’ll feel worse. If they look unhappy, you’ll either feel guilty or immediately want to rush back to them…and be rejected all over again. There’s no version of this that ends well.
Call a friend instead
Enlist the equivalent of an Alcoholics Anonymous sponsor. When you feel the urge to check, call or text a friend instead and let them talk you out of it.
If they’re not available, go for a run or walk. Put on a podcast. Go outside in nature. Distract yourself. Stay in your own world rather than orbit someone else’s.
Get curious about what’s in your future
The people who recover best from heartbreak are the ones who get curious about who they are without this person. What do they really want? Who would they like to become? We all modify ourselves a little to fit around our partner. Now you’re free to be totally yourself.
Your life isn’t with your ex. It’s yours to take wherever you want it to go. Embrace that rather than mourn and you might just find a future that’s better than you ever imagined.
Visit traceycox.com for more info on Tracey’s books, podcast and product range.
