Is YOUR wife a secret narcissist? Expert reveals top female symptoms

A narcissism expert has shared examples of how the personality disorder manifests in women, and the signs that there might be a female narcissist in your family. 

Psychotherapist Kathleen Saxton has spent years writing about narcissism, and in her forthcoming book, My Parent The Peacock, she digs deeper into how people with the personality disorder inflict pain and chaos on their loved ones. 

Writing in Stylist, she explained that while narcissism is usually seen as a male-centric condition, it affects women too—but how they behave is totally different to the actions you’d usually associate with a narc man. 

This, she says, is because ‘its classic diagnostic criteria—grandiosity, need for admiration, lack of empathy—align with traditionally masculine behaviours’. 

Because of this, there’s a lack in ‘both clinical recognition and public understanding, and it means many female narcissists are left ‘hidden in the shadows’.

Dr Saxton writes that female narcissists often display behaviour which is seen as ‘feminine’, but is actually a smokescreen for manipulation and control. 

She said: ‘For decades, narcissism has carried a distinctly masculine shadow. 

‘Popular culture often casts narcissists as dominant, arrogant, manipulative men – think Wall Street tycoons, cult leaders or domineering romantic partners. 

‘Now consider a female narcissist. She may appear self-sacrificing, constantly ‘helping’ or ‘mothering’ her partner in ways that undermine their autonomy. 

‘She may weaponise vulnerability, play the victim or use passive-aggression to control the relationship. 

‘These behaviours, while equally manipulative, are less often labelled as narcissistic because they conform to feminine stereotypes.’

Dr Saxton added that stereotypically ‘feminine’ traits are usually looked at through a rose-tinted lens, giving women narcissists even more opportunity to act out unchecked.  

‘Culturally, we are conditioned to see women as nurturers, carers and emotional empaths—gentle by default and giving to a fault,’ she said. 

‘Traits like neediness or emotionality are more likely to be excused or romanticised than recognised as controlling. 

‘But these stereotypes are not only misleading – they are dangerous. 

‘They obscure the reality that narcissism in women can be just as emotionally corrosive as it is in men, albeit through more covert means.’ 

Dr Saxton was also keen to explain that when operating within a family dynamic, there is a stark difference between male and female narcissists, adding that both genders ‘often cloak control in performative devotion, creating psychological confusion and trauma for their children’.

While a narcissistic father often runs a household with an iron fist—’authoritarian to the point of cruelty or emotionally distant to the point of neglect’—a narcissistic mother demonstrates totally different behaviours. 

Dr Saxton said: ‘She may control through guilt, enmeshment or martyrdom. 

‘She may claim to ‘live for her children’ while eroding their boundaries and identities in the name of love. 

‘She may compete with her daughter or infantilise her son. But society resists naming this abuse because it conflicts with idealised notions of motherhood.’

It’s estimated that around 1 in 20 people in the UK have a diagnosis of the mental disorder narcissistic personality disorder, but the number of people who display narcissistic traits remains unknown.  

According to the National Comorbidity Survey Replication, about 7.7 per cent of men versus 4.8 per cent of women in clinical care are diagnosed as having a narcissistic personality disorder.

Narcissists can be can be manipulative, controlling, volatile and emotionally abusive, and they may withhold love and compassion from their partners or children.

The unpleasant personality trait is characterised as a tendency to be self-centred, have a grandiose sense of self, lack of empathy and a need for admiration.

Those who exhibit narcissistic tendencies are more likely to develop mental health problems, have relationship difficulties and struggle with substance abuse, studies show.