England’s boozy four days in Noosa shows they have learned nothing

On a triumphant Ashes tour, a beery four-day break at a holiday resort becomes an example of camaraderie, another of the one-percenters (or four-and-a-halfs) that add up to sporting glory. When you’re 3–0 down and the world is watching every move and seizing on every gaffe, it just looks like a mistake.

Had England won in Adelaide, as they might have done but for a couple of dropped catches and some bad luck with Snicko, the excursion to Noosa after the second Test in Brisbane would have remained in the rear-view mirror.

Instead, it is now being used in evidence against a team who stand accused of a fundamental lack of seriousness, with head coach Brendon McCullum and managing director Rob Key both admitting they failed to give the players proper preparation, and the whole of Australia laughing at them, as if they ever needed an excuse for that.

And if it’s true that it is the victors who get to write up history, the losers should be more careful about the material they provide. Even if it turns out that England’s players did nothing worse in Noosa than boost local bar receipts, it shouldn’t have been beyond the wit of the management to see how the trip might be interpreted.

During a gap between games in the 2023 Ashes, the Australian players went their separate ways before reconvening for the fourth Test in Manchester. It meant there was no question of a media circus. England, by contrast, invited scrutiny by sending everyone off to a tiny resort with one main street and plenty of prying eyes. It was an accident waiting to happen.

Four years ago, meanwhile, the end of England’s 4–0 defeat in the Covid Ashes was marred by reports of a drinking culture, with the coaches implicated as heavily as the players. To see another set of booze-related headlines now suggests little has been learned.

Key himself, who did not join the trip to Noosa, could have restricted himself to the observation that – as far as he was aware – the players had enjoyed a few quiet beers as they escaped the Ashes cauldron for a few days.

But he went further than that, saying heavy drinking is ‘completely unacceptable’, and confirming England were looking into the matter.

That may have been a nod to his paymasters back at Lord’s, with ECB chairman Richard Thompson and chief executive Richard Gould understandably sensitive about stories depicting their highest-profile team as indulging in some 18-30s jolly.

Even so, his comments have not helped the perception of a side viewed by many as too loose, insufficiently willing to put in the hard yards, and out of touch with reality.

The public utterances on this tour have played into critics’ hands. Ben Stokes called ex-players ‘has-beens’, which smacked of arrogance.

Assistant coach Marcus Trescothick said there had been no discussion of the faulty strokeplay that led to a two-day defeat in Perth, while McCullum angered fans by saying England had ‘over-prepared’ for Brisbane.

The coach then tested the supporters’ patience even more by saying after the Adelaide defeat that his team had ‘definitely improved’, when results suggest the opposite.

‘Alright on the night’ may be an attitude that works for a naturally gifted cricketer like Stokes, who lifts himself for the big occasion.

But most players need fine-tuning before big series, and Key echoed the alarming comments made by McCullum after the 82-run defeat in the third Test about the lack of preparation.

‘We had a team that actually hasn’t played anywhere near its potential,’ said Key. ‘Have we got the most out of the players? There’s no question for me: I don’t think we have.

‘And then you have to think, did we give the players the best chance to come out here and succeed from the start? I don’t think we did, to be honest, and that’s on us, really.’

Key also confirmed his support for McCullum, describing him as an ‘excellent coach’. He added: ‘This is only the third series we’ve lost in four years. His win record is very good as well.

‘Clearly we’ve mucked up on the big occasions, whether that was the home Ashes series, or last summer against India, which we should have won as well. The big ones have eluded us.

‘There’s been some brilliant moments along the way. I still feel like there’s plenty of life in this whole thing now, but we have to evolve.’

The question now is whether Key is given the chance to preside over whatever evolution comes next, and that may depend on the results at Melbourne, where the fourth Test starts on Boxing Day, and at Sydney in the new year.

Some indication of progress may be central to the chances of both Key and McCullum extending their involvement, with Key insisting that – above all – England have simply been outplayed.

‘Sometimes you just run into something that takes it to a different level, and you’re not quite good enough at that stage, or you’re not in good enough form or frame of mind, to be able to deal with that and adapt quickly.

‘We’ve had three games here where they’re adapting slowly, and I don’t think that’s because we need a fresh voice or they’re not listening.

‘Sometimes the opposition is just bloody good. But there’s no doubt that coaches and management never survive just doing the same thing over and over again.’

Change, or perish: the last couple of weeks of this tour have assumed existential importance.