Mutton dressed as lamb. No spring chicken. A try hard.
They’re all descriptions nobody in midlife wants to hear, especially when doubts start to creep in about the length of your hemline or the appropriateness of drinking a pre-mixed cocktail on a train.
While some habits from your teens and 20s can be excused as youthful folly, there comes a point where you begin to worry that the idea of trying a new piercing or donning a bikini is a touch unedifying.
Now, ‘Queen of Etiquette’ Laura Windsor – who advised Bridgerton on Regency era social graces – has revealed her ultimate guide to the age at which certain habits go from acceptable to inappropriate.
The good news is that, according to Laura, you are never too old to have a casual fling.
However, there’s an expiry date for wearing bikinis and skinny jeans or wearing your hair long.
Read on to find out if you need to start acting your age, and the fashions and habits that you can safely continue rocking in the decades ahead.
Wearing a bikini is typically a no brainer for people in their twenties, but when you hit a certain age, ‘Queen of Etiquette’ Laura Windsor thinks one should think twice (stock image)
‘Queen of Etiquette’ Laura Windsor (pictured) has delivered her verdict on the ages she believes people must stop doing things
Drink a premixed cocktail
Laura: ‘By 25 you should have upgraded to the refined world of hand-shaken mixology, where it’s more about the experience than than the convenience of a premixed cocktail full of preservatives and tasting rather flat and sweet.’
Age limit: 25
Use text talk
Laura: ‘You are now an adult and old enough to vote, sign contracts and make life-changing decisions. So why are you texting weirdly?
‘At some point ‘u’ needs to be spelled ‘you’ and ‘thru’, ‘through’. You’ve had enough practice texting to know that your phone can easily adapt to writing proper English.’
Age limit: 18
Wear a bikini
Laura: When the skin starts to be more ‘relaxed’ than it used to be, that’s the time to ditch the bikini and low cut tops and opt for a more subtle approach to gravity.’
Age limit: 50
Wear skinny jeans
Laura: ‘At 45 years old, if you can still get into your skinny jeans, you should wear them. However, there’s a limit.
‘I would normally say if they zip, you own them. Of course, style is about wearing something that reflects who you are, but mirrors can be misleading and sometimes what you see isn’t confidence – it’s just wishful thinking dressed up as it used to be.
‘If your jeans are cutting off oxygen to your lower half or causing cardiovascular collapse I would lay off the skinny jeans and let comfort take priority over bad circulation.’
Age limit: 45, but tread carefully
Have a casual fling
Laura: ‘As far as I’m aware, there’s no expiry date on being human. So the expiry date is when you expire.
‘If you’re two consenting adults and everyone’s on the same page, it’s just another way of saying you’re still curious, still alive, and maybe still a little wild – in the best way.’
Age limit: No age limit
Have long hair
Laura: ‘There was a time when hitting your 40s meant it was time for a drastic cut. We’ve moved on since then and we generally look younger than our mothers did when they were 40.
‘Expiry date? 50. Long hair, especially grey hair can add years on people, and thinking it adds character isn’t an excuse.’
Age limit: 50
Have a drunken cigarette
Laura: ‘Rather than about the cigarette, it’s more about the state you’re in when you reach for it.
‘Whether you’re fully present, half present, or so far gone the bar counter is doing more of the supporting than you are, it’s a rough combination and a bad look at any age.’
Age limit: Not at any age
Be a picky eater
Laura: ‘Picky eaters have never been crowned the life and soul of a dinner party. There’s only so many times you can ask for ‘No herbs, no sauce, no peas’ before you become a social nuisance.
By 30, it stops being about culinary preferences and more about social survival and diplomacy.’
Age limit: 30
Post a selfie
Laura: ‘As long as your heart is still beating, your false teeth are in and you are not hooked up to anything that’s more dramatic than a phone charger and WiFi, you are good to go. Added bonus if you are subscribed to capcut for the editing.’
Age limit: No limit
Get a new piercing
Laura: ‘By 30, you should have closed the chapter on body piercing and moved on to the thrilling world of sensible decisions.
‘It’s time to treat your body like a temple and imagine yourself 20 years from now gently shaking your head at the past you.’
Age limit: 30
