Dear Caroline: My 35-year-old son has been draining me financially since he was about 15. I broke up with his dad when he was a baby because he treated me badly, drank too much and was verbally abusive. I had two jobs for many years to support us.
Fast-forward and I am now happily married, and my son has returned home with his dog in tow. He is awaiting an ADHD diagnosis among other possibilities. He always needs to borrow money, which up to now I have given. We are talking thousands over the past 20 years. I work part-time and don’t earn much, but he’s always overdrawn and I have to bail him out.
I want to stop. I don’t want him living at home. I am so unhappy with this situation because I cannot see an end to it. I have an amazing husband and some wonderful friends. My closest friend told me I should think of myself and my husband. We retire in about seven years.
Caroline West-Mead replies: This sounds utterly exhausting, worrying about your son while feeling trapped and financially drained. I want to say, gently but very clearly, that your friend is right.
As hard as it is to hear, continuing to bail your son out financially is not helping him – it’s actually keeping him stuck. He will never learn to manage money or live independently if there’s always a safety net. Indeed, the pressure he puts on you, the repeated demands, and the way your finances have been drained over many years could be classed as financial abuse.
You mentioned possible ADHD, and it’s true this can make money management harder. But it does not excuse the entitlement or disregard for your wellbeing. Generally, how does he treat you? Is he kind, grateful? Does he treat you, your husband and home with respect or like a hotel with you as staff?
It may also help to understand why standing up to him feels so hard for you. You lived for years with a partner who was verbally abusive and drank too much. That environment can make you feel that giving in is safer, easier and keeps the peace. You were incredibly brave to leave, but old survival behaviours may linger, even decades later. I encourage you to get some specialist support around boundaries and standing firm without feeling guilt. There are charities who understand exactly this dynamic, such as Family Lives (0808 800 2222) and Hourglass (0808 808 8141).
It’s reasonable to say to your son that you’ll no longer give money but will offer him support to get financial advice. There are excellent free services at stepchange.org or moneyhelper.org.uk.
My first therapy session was a disaster
Dear Caroline: I have been depressed for quite some time and recently I finally made an appointment with a counsellor. Just summoning the courage felt like a huge ordeal. But when I got there I was so nervous I could barely speak. There was so much I wanted to say, yet the words wouldn’t come. She seemed kind, but didn’t suggest another session. I left feeling abandoned and worse than ever.
Caroline West-Mead replies: Try not to see this as a failure. It is common for it to take time before you feel able to talk freely in counselling, especially when you’ve had to overcome so much anxiety just to get there. It may simply be that the counsellor wasn’t the right fit. Research shows that the relationship between therapist and client is one of the biggest factors in successful therapy.
The most important thing is you took the first step – that was huge and it means you can do it again. Many counsellors offer a free introductory phone call; you could try speaking to two or three, explaining what happened at your previous appointment, and notice who makes you feel most at ease.
Before your first session, write down what you want to talk about. Even bullet points are fine. You can read it out, or ask the counsellor to read it, to help you begin. Do also see your GP, as medication can help if your depression is severe. You can find a counsellor through bacp.co.uk or mental health charity Mind (mind.org.uk) can advise you.
