What you should NEVER say to someone who’s grieving

Rhian Mannings has recounted some of the tone deaf comments she received from people after the sudden deaths of her husband and son in a moving podcast interview.

In 2012, Rhian’s one-year-old son George unexpectedly suffered a seizure at their family home and died shortly after in hospital.

Just five days later, unable to cope with the grief, her husband Paul walked out of the house and took his own life. 

While still caring for two children, Rhian founded the bereavement charity 2wish, which provides immediate support to families after the sudden death of a child or young person, and was awarded an MBE in 2019.

Speaking to the Daily Mail’s The Life of Bryony podcast, Rhian named some of the insensitive things she was told after becoming a widow at 33, in a bid to make people ‘more thoughtful’ in how they communicate with the bereaved.

‘You have to have a dark sense of humour about certain things, especially over things people say to you’, Rhian told columnist Bryony Gordon.

‘I remember going back to work and someone saying to me: Wow! You’ve lost so much weight! How have you done that?

‘There are other things you should never say – ‘I know how you feel because my dog died’, never say that.

‘Even if you’d lost your own child, you should never say, I know how you feel because you don’t.

‘You’ve got other children – I have had people tell me I am lucky because I have other children.  

‘I have had people say, how could you be married again? You surely can’t love more than one person.

‘People say these things because they feel awkward around you. Honestly, I could fill a book with them.

‘You’re better off just not saying anything. But we all do it sometimes – I often say to people, it’s still early days.

‘That’s one of the worst things to say because the amount of days doesn’t matter when you feel horrendous.

‘Saying someone is inspirational and brave – that annoys me. I have got no choice but to keep going. I am not brave, actually I am just stubborn. I keep going. I put my big girl pants on and off I go.

‘Everyone’s different. Things that upset me may not upset another person, but it’s just trying to be a little more thoughtful before you say things.’

Rhian discussed moving Prince William to tears with her story during an emotional conversation at her Cardiff home in October.  

The Prince, who was filming for World Mental Health Day, became visibly upset as Rhian spoke about wishing Paul had felt able to talk to her.

Since its founding, Rhian’s charity has supported more than 9,500 grieving families across Wales and parts of England.

Now remarried with her two children thriving as teenagers, Rhian told host Bryony how she lives each day for Paul and George.

Rhian said: ‘Grief never goes away. I am not going to lie and say it does. You don’t want it to go away – they are still very much part of my thoughts and my life.

‘You do get times when you feel a bit stuck in it. The way I have always dealt with that is by speaking about it and by trying to experience moments of joy.

‘However dark it is, there is always a speck of light.

‘I have got a really happy life. I am lucky. I have a wonderful husband, beautiful children, amazing friends and a job I love.

‘You have got to think about how you can live this life. You have to – so think about how you can do that.’

For confidential support, call the Samaritans on 116123 or visit a local Samaritans branch. See www.samaritans.org for details 

To listen to the moving podcast interview in full, search for The Life of Bryony now, wherever you get podcasts – or on YouTube.