Dear Jane,
My boyfriend and I have been together for almost three years.
I am so happy and in love with him, so I’ve been feeling disappointed that he hasn’t proposed to me yet – it’s making me doubt that he feels the same way about me.
These feelings got so much worse last week, when I stopped by my husband’s office to drop off his wallet, which he had accidentally left at home.
Before stopping by, I texted him to ask whether he wanted to grab a quick lunch while I was in the area, and he responded that he couldn’t because he had a client lunch.
So after dropping off his wallet, I swung by our favorite cafe to grab a to-go lunch, and I saw him huddled in a two-person booth with an extremely attractive female coworker… and no clients.
I left before he could see me, feeling shocked and confused.
When he got home that evening, I confronted him about what I saw.
My boyfriend calmly assured me that it was just a work lunch, and that they were discussing clients, but I know for a fact that the woman he was with works in a completely different department, so there’s no way they overlap on that front.
I didn’t push him any further on the topic, because I don’t want to sound crazy and turn him off – especially when I’m trying my hardest to make him want to propose, but I truly feel like something is off here.
He often stays late at the office, or says he’s going for after-work drinks with his coworkers. What if all this time he’s been sneaking around with this woman?
Shall I try showing up at his office after work unannounced to catch them in the act, or demand he let me check his phone for incriminating texts? What other choice do I have?
From,
State of affairs
Dear State of affairs,
Being deeply in love with someone while simultaneously sensing they have betrayed you is an incredibly hard position to be in.
Whether or not your boyfriend is having an affair, the fact that he lied to you is a betrayal.
It is completely understandable that you are now feeling anxious and insecure.
However, I sense an even bigger issue in your relationship than your boyfriend’s lies, and that is your joint communication skills.
Relationships thrive with open communication and, based on your engagement angst, it seems this is something you two are lacking.
After three years together, you certainly deserve clarity about his intentions.
The only way forward is to confront your boyfriend about where he sees this relationship going and tell him exactly what you want your future to look like.
Being honest and open about your wants and needs may make you feel vulnerable, but it will pay off when can stop guessing and finally gain some clarity.
Either he will reassure you by telling you that he is on the same page and you can properly discuss your future together, or he will reveal that he is not in the same place.
No matter what he says, you must accept his response. You cannot change someone else’s mind, as much as you may want to.
If after three years he is not ready to take the next step, it is time for you to move on.
You deserve someone who embraces you fully, and who is able to meet you where you are.
