Dear Jane,
My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year now and things had been going well.
But recently problems began to arise because I’m a bit of a phone addict. I work from home and spend a lot of time scrolling, mainly on social media apps like Instagram and TikTok.
My boyfriend, on the other hand, is not much of a phone user at all – at least, he didn’t use to be.
I started sending him TikToks I thought he would find funny, but he didn’t have the app so couldn’t watch them.
This annoyed me because sharing TikTok videos is something I find bonding, so I forced him to download it.
At first, he just watched the videos I sent him, but gradually he started scrolling more… and now he’s a full-blown addict.
He spends even more time on TikTok than I do – and that’s saying something.
Now he’s accusing me of getting him addicted to TikTok. He claims it’s ruined his attention span and made it hard for him to focus on work.
Honestly, I’m secretly glad I can now send him videos — he even sends them to me too!
But I see the effect that his addiction is having on his motivation and work and it makes me worried that he might get in trouble at his job, or even fired.
He also gets more easily frustrated with me nowadays and it’s putting a strain on our relationship.
How can I help him kick his TikTok habit?
From,
Fiend or foe
Dear Fiend or foe,
I don’t need to tell you how bad social media is for us. It isolates us, eats up hours of our time, fuels anxiety and shortens our attention spans.
It is also shockingly addictive.
Addicts (and I say this as someone who definitely has that compulsive gene) want nothing more than someone to share our addiction with. It validates us, and eases our shame.
So of course you wanted – perhaps subconsciously – your boyfriend to join you in these bad habits.
In some ways, seeing how his behavior has changed is probably a positive thing — whatever you’re seeing in him, he has probably seen in you.
The best way forward is for you to have an honest conversation with him, and break this addiction together.
If going cold turkey and cutting TikTok out of your life completely feels too overwhelming, the two of you can put boundaries around when you use the app. Perhaps think about bookending your day with thirty minutes each morning and evening.
However much you may not want to break your own habit, I guarantee your life will be better if you do.
Dear Jane,
I am going on vacation with my sister and her boyfriend next week.
They only started dating a few months ago, and he wasn’t originally coming on our trip, but she invited him last minute because he’s going through a tough time as his dad just passed away.
The problem isn’t that he’s gatecrashing our vacation; it’s that he’s sober and can’t even be around alcohol.
The first time I met him, my sister texted me instructing me not to order an alcoholic beverage at dinner because he is a recovering alcoholic. It’s been the same rule every time I’ve seen him since – no alcohol.
I can easily deal with a booze-free dinner, but vacations are a time to let loose, and I love ordering a cocktail by the pool or a glass of wine with dinner.
Frankly, I’m not sure I want to go on this trip if I can’t enjoy myself with a drink. Can I ask my sister to let him know that I will be drinking and he needs to get over it?
Or shall I drop out of the trip, because I don’t want to waste my time and money if I’m not even going to have a good time?
From,
Booze bully
Dear Booze bully,
You’re quite right — a trip with a recovering alcoholic who insists on no booze when you personally enjoy drinking, does not sound like much of a vacation.
I do wonder whether you have talked to your sister’s boyfriend about how he feels.
If, as a recovering alcoholic, he is in a 12-step program, one of the primary tenets is ‘live and let live’.
Most of the recovering alcoholics I know are absolutely fine with others drinking around them. It doesn’t trigger them as long as they are working their own program and have a sponsor.
I would get clarity on the situation from the boyfriend directly.
It may be that your sister is overly concerned and setting these rules to try and protect him.
If it turns out that he absolutely can’t be around alcohol, I would suggest that you do indeed drop out of the trip.
Though you’re not responsible for him or his sobriety, drinking around such a fragile recovering alcoholic won’t be much fun.
Find a friend and go somewhere fabulous, where you can have exactly the vacation you need!
