Dear Jane,
My boyfriend and I have been dating for two years and, a few months ago, we finally decided to take the next step: moving in together.
This also meant that I had to move out of the apartment I’ve shared with my longtime best friend. Thankfully, she has been immensely supportive of my relationship, despite now being left without a roommate.
But things took a turn after my boyfriend and I finally settled into our new place.
My friend started dropping by for visits more and more frequently. First it was with housewarming gifts and then on the way home from work to say hello. But now, she’s here almost every night of the week.
She makes herself a little too comfortable, kicking off her shoes (barefoot!) and lounging across the sofa while eating all our snacks.
She’s basically become the third roommate and there is little time for me and my boyfriend to spend quality alone time together.
It has left my boyfriend – and me to be honest – very annoyed and uncomfortable, so much so that he’s requested that I kick her out or tell her that she needs to stop coming round so often.
I’m torn. I have a feeling she’s acting this way because she misses seeing me every day but, while I’m sympathetic to her feelings, I agree with my boyfriend that it has got out of hand.
How do I create this boundary without hurting her feelings and losing my best friend?
Sincerely,
Three’s a crowd
Dear Three’s a crowd,
Congratulations on taking the step to move in with your boyfriend! But what a shock to find you are suddenly part of what seems increasingly to be an unwanted throuple.
When people we love overstep our boundaries, or act in ways that make us uncomfortable, it leads to what you are feeing now: resentment and annoyance. Without the tools to navigate the situation, it can often end friendships.
Some years ago, I had a friend who knew where I hid the spare key and would let herself into my house. If I was upstairs in my bedroom, she would simply appear in the doorway, which always made me feel deeply uncomfortable.
I wish I had the skills then that I have now so that I could have asked her to ring the doorbell or not let herself in, which felt like an invasion of my privacy. But I didn’t and the friendship ultimately ran its course.
I don’t know if it would have survived had I said something – I suspect not – but I would have been more comfortable, and the friendship might have had more of a chance.
The truth is, your friend likely has no idea that she is overstepping. She’s used to seeing you every day, and probably misses you tremendously. As your best friend, there’s likely no one she feels more comfortable with, and I’m guessing that the two of you spent much time together when you were roommates lounging around on the sofa and eating snacks.
While it’s natural that you and your boyfriend need alone time, I’m guessing it simply hasn’t occurred to her that this may be the case. You can’t blame her for not reading the room. But, if you don’t say something, it will likely lead to you losing your best friend.
However uncomfortable this may make you, talk to her. This is your best friend, and it would be terrible to lose her. Might she be upset? Possibly. But you aren’t in control of how she reacts.
Tell her you love her and you miss being roommates, but that this is a fresh start. You and your boyfriend need to build a life together, which means you can’t hang out daily. Suggest one night a week for the two of you to get together instead.
If she is upset, please don’t take it personally. When we first set a boundary it can create friction. But if she is the friend you think she is, she will understand.
Dear Jane,
I’ve known my best friend for a decade – we went to school together, lived together, joined the same clubs, and hung out every single week. When we lived in different places, we would call each other constantly, and I would even offer up my couch to her so she could visit and spend time with me.
But something changed a few months ago.
She started an exciting new job and finally moved to the same city as me again – but I’ve hardly seen her. In fact, we’ve barely spoken.
I’ve invited her to parties, asked to grab dinner and drinks, and even texted her just to say hello, but I’ve received nothing in response – though, it says she has ‘read’ my messages.
When I finally confronted her to ask if I had done something wrong to deserve the silent treatment, she blamed her busy work schedule and didn’t offer an apology after I said her behavior had hurt my feelings. Yet, I see her at birthday parties or on trips with her other friends, or out with her coworkers every week.
While she insists it’s nothing personal, it feels like it is. I constantly try to reach out to check in with her, but it seems she doesn’t care. It feels like she is throwing out our decade-long friendship in favor of her new colleagues and friends.
I’m devastated and at a loss for what to do next. If I keep texting her with no response, I fear I’ll start to sound like a desperate ex and drive her away even more.
Do I just give up trying to salvage the friendship?
Sincerely,
Friendship fallout
Dear Friendship fallout,
There is nothing more heartbreaking than a break-up with a friend, particularly when you don’t think you’ve done anything wrong.
In your case, it sounds like she is prioritizing different people – but one of the hardest truisms of life is that you can’t make people love you who decide that they do not.
In short, whether in friendship or in romance, as hard as it is to accept, you have to choose the people who choose you.
You mention worrying that you’ll sound like a desperate ex if you keep texting, and you are absolutely right. No matter how many times you text, how much you ask her to tell you if you’ve done something wrong, the only way to reach a place of peace with a relationship that changes, or appears to be dying, is to walk away.
It is painful – and often much more so when it happens with a best friend.
A few years ago, I was ghosted by a best friend in a similar way and it was gutting. It was the most devastating break-up I have ever had.
But know this: it has nothing to do with you.
Perhaps her head is being turned by the bright, shiny and new. Perhaps she has taken you for granted. Perhaps, as hard as this may be to hear, she has moved on. Whatever her reason, there is nothing you could have done differently, nor anything you could do differently in the future, to bring about a different result.
Focus on your own self-esteem and building a life without her. It may be that time heals whatever she is going through – when people ghost friendships in this way, they often regret it at a later date and make contact again. I don’t know if that will happen, but I do know that your life will ultimately be much happier if you let her go.
I wish I had better news, but everyone in your life should be there because they choose to be there, not because you have to twist yourself into a pretzel to try to convince them to stay.
