You’ve just endured Christmas with your insufferably successful friend. Your coupled up mates are posting skiing trips while you’re still swiping through dating apps.
That person who started their job the same time as you? They’ve just been promoted. Again.
Welcome to January, the cruellest month for comparison.
If you feel you’ve drawn the short straw in life’s lottery lately, you’re not alone.
Psychologists say the period between Christmas and New Year is peak season for ‘social comparison anxiety’ – that gnawing feeling that everyone else has got it figured out while you’re still stuck at the starting line.
A new year shines a spotlight on where we think we should be and where we are.
When Instagram is awash with holidays, engagement rings and champagne corks popping, it highlights what we don’t have.
The envy epidemic
Envy is one of the most corrosive emotions we can experience.
Unlike sadness, which tends to soften over time, or anger, which often disappears after it’s expressed, envy has a nasty habit of burrowing deeper.
It whispers to you at 3am. Turns innocent throwaway comments into personal attacks. It makes you feel both furious and ashamed.
Envy is an uncomfortable emotion because it clashes with the person we believe we are. We’re meant to be happy for others! It feels petty and small to admit you’re jealous of your best friend’s happiness.
So, we bury it and watch it fester into resentment and bitterness. You’re liking her posts but throwing your phone across the room afterwards.
But what if you could catch envy before it catches you?
Scroll with a cynical eye
Scrolling at any time can make you feel inadequate – until you do a reality check.
That couple posting loved-up selfies from the Maldives? They had a screaming row at the airport.
The friend with the designer wardrobe? Her three credit cards are hiked to the max and she hasn’t slept properly in months.
Social media isn’t real. You’re comparing your own behind-the-scenes with everyone else’s highlight reel.
No-one puts the bad or boring stuff out there (unless it’s done for effect). You can make the worst Christmas look fairytale-perfect with editing.
Remind yourself often: what you are watching is curated, it’s not real.
What exactly are you envious of?
If you feel your stomach drop when a colleague gets promoted, ask yourself: what specifically am I envious of here? The money? The success? The recognition of a job well done?
The things that trigger us the most are usually things we desperately want but have convinced ourselves we can’t have. Do you think the promotion means he was born cleverer than you? Had a better education?
These types of things can feel unchangeable and insurmountable – but are they?
Look beyond the obvious
Write down three things that triggered the most envy recently, then for each one, ask what am I really jealous of? Follow that up with: what would a small step toward achieving this look like for me?
It might be updating your CV and looking for a job you can really shine in. It might be a conversation with your boss.
You don’t have to have what others have to feel happy with your lot, you just need to be moving in the same direction.
It’s often less ‘I want something I don’t have’ and more ‘I’m scared I never will.’
Envy effort not outcomes
If you got that big promotion, would you be happy to accept the stress and responsibility that comes with it? You might envy your married friends but are you willing to give up the freedom you value so much?
In other words, do you genuinely want what they have – or just the good bits?
Compare down not up
This works for me every time.
Mo Gawdat, the happiness expert, recommends people look down not up when comparing themselves to others.
Don’t compare your two-bedroom house to the friend that has three, think about the friend who has a studio apartment. Or think of people who don’t have a safe space or bed at all. Be grateful for what you do have.
There will always be someone richer, better looking, better connected or admired more than you. But there will also always be someone poorer, less attractive and less fortunate.
A friend of mine made a pact to only compare herself to past versions of herself. ‘I’m so glad I don’t drink like I used to.’ Or ‘I remember when I didn’t need a drink to walk into a social situation. How can I get back to being my old, confident self?’
Far more helpful.
Life isn’t a race
Someone else’s success doesn’t mean you’ve failed – it just means you’re on a different schedule.
We don’t all cross the finish line at the same time.
Some people peak early; some people are late bloomers.
That friend who seems to have it all at 30? They might be miserable at 40. The person who’s still figuring it out at 45 might just be getting started on something extraordinary.
The most envied people rarely feel as secure as they look and the people quietly struggling are often closer to change than they realise.
Tracey’s latest book is Great Sex Starts at 50. You’ll find her podcast, product ranges and more information about sex and relationships at traceycox.com.
