Here’s a question for you: When was the last time you had a conversation with your partner that wasn’t about logistics or anything to do with running the household?
When did you have a proper conversation? When you talked about your dreams or disappointments, the state of the world, issues concerning close friends, hell, anything at all that’s remotely personal and not job orientated?
Struggling to come up with one?
You could be one of many people who are in what therapists call a ‘silent divorce’: a new, dangerous and increasingly common relationship dynamic that’s affecting many couples in the UK.
Even more worrying, most don’t even know it’s happening to them.
What is a silent divorce?
A silent divorce is when a couple remain legally together but emotionally ended the relationship long ago, often without either of them acknowledging it – or even noticing.
Rather than ending with a furious argument, the joy in the relationship quietly seeps away over the years.
UK sex expert Tracey Cox has revealed the signs that a silent divorce, where a couple remain legally together but emotionally ended the relationship long ago, might have taken place
You share a bed, a mortgage and the kids, go through the motions of being married – see friends, go on holiday – but the love, intimacy and affection stop. Couples in a silent divorce rarely or never have sex and don’t often cuddle and kiss.
It all looks great – from the outside
Ironically, couples in a silent divorce can come across as the more functional ones in your friendship group.
You aren’t at each other’s throats, often co-parent effectively, show up to each other’s events and smile in the photos.
Even behind closed doors, an onlooker wouldn’t necessarily notice anything amiss.
If you hate your partner, there’s still hope because you still care. But where do you go with indifference?
The most damaging thing about a silent divorce is that it doesn’t feel like a crisis because there’s no single catastrophe to blame it on.
It happens gradually. One minute you’re a couple, the next you’re two people sharing a home but basically living separate lives.
Because you’re maintaining appearances, by the time you realise what’s happened, it could already have been going on for years.
Why does it happen?
Not to sound too depressing but life, basically!
Most couples today are exhausted. You’ve both got jobs, probably kids, maybe ageing parents, other pressing commitments and mounting bills. Money’s tight, there’s too much to do, the world seems unsafe and unkind and you both go on autopilot. You’re busy and surviving – there’s no time for fun or reflection.
There is, however, always time for resentment to fester away.
If you stop bringing up problems – either because you can’t face an argument or have given up expecting anything to change – they stack up and a slow-burn resentment kicks in.
Why am I always the one doing the dishes/the heavy lifting/the school run?
Why can’t he see I’m exhausted and need help? Why can’t she see I’m struggling at work and terrified I’ll lose my job?
Women notice the void before men do
You probably don’t need me to tell you that it’s usually the woman who first notices when a relationship is in trouble – and the one who tries to save it.
Women raise concerns earlier and more often than men.
But when their partner doesn’t respond or try to help solve the problems, they eventually stop.
He thinks her being quiet means she’s now happy again.
She thinks his contentment means he doesn’t care… and the gap between you widens.
Can you come back from a silent divorce?
You can come back from anything if you both really, really want to.
But the thing couples in silent divorces most lack is passion and feeling and you need buckets of both to get back to a healthy, happy connection.
The first step to healing is being totally honest about how you feel – terrifying for anyone but especially for men.
Women are usually far more aware of any problems; men often don’t see it coming. You say: ‘We lost each other a long time ago’, he’s blindsided because men interpret ‘keeping up appearances’ as everything being fine.
The second step is to communicate your issues effectively and honestly. Another big ask because if you could both do this, you wouldn’t be where you are.
If you’re both serious about saving your relationship, the best hope you have is with an experienced therapist.
(Find a qualified therapist at BACP, Relate or try an online service like Better Health.)
What doesn’t work
Pretending all is fine when it’s clearly not or waiting for time to fix things just makes things worse. The longer you feel disconnected, the harder it is to find your way back.
Sometimes, the best thing to do is acknowledge the relationship has run its course and that staying (for the lifestyle, the children, appearances) isn’t making anyone happy.
The best way forward might be to walk away.
Visit traceycox.com for Tracey’s blog, podcast, books and products.
