I had my dog put down. I feel like I failed her: DEAR CAROLINE replies

Q I had to say goodbye to my beautiful dog and I am feeling lost and bereft. She had been very ill for some time – blind, but eating, drinking and happy. Then she suffered a massive stroke and had several seizures. We rushed her to the vet and he said the kindest thing to do was to let her go. She would have been 13 in June. 

She was a rescue from Thailand and we fell in love with her the moment we saw her on the beach many years ago. My husband is holding his grief in, more than me, but our house is so empty and the light has gone from each room. We can’t even bear to pick up her hairs from the floor and sofa. 

The way in which she may have suffered haunts me. She was everything to us and we just wish we could have had more time with her before deciding when the right point would have come to let her go. Everyone is being kind, saying we gave her a beautiful life full of love, but I feel I let her down somehow.

A I am so sorry for the loss of your adored dog. As a fellow dog lover, I know how much these wonderful animals mean to us and they are very much another member of the family. Their loss is very hard. 

I promise you, you did not let her down. We had our first wonderful dog for just over 14 years and we eventually had to have her put to sleep, too. She was ill and frail but – like your dog – she was still happy, still wagging and still eating – until, suddenly, she wasn’t. Having to make the decision to let them go is indeed heartbreaking but there comes a point when it really is the only kind thing to do. Having you there with her in her last moments will have been a huge comfort to her. 

Having you there with her in her last moments will have been a huge comfort to her, writes Caroline West-Meads (picture posed by model)

As for how to cope with the loss, everyone is different. For our family, we got another dog very soon because (like you) we couldn’t face the quietness of the house and the empty dog bed. For other people it takes time before deciding to get another pet, and that is also fine. But it’s important to allow that grief to be acknowledged and to talk it through with people who understand. 

Several animal charities offer pet bereavement services to help you, including the PDSA, the Blue Cross and the RSPCA (which has a pet bereavement toolkit: rspca.org.uk/adviceandwelfare/pets/bereavement) So do please get support for yourself and your husband. I don’t believe we ever ‘get over’ the death of someone we truly loved (and a dog’s love is so special), but in time that grief does become less raw and we remember the good times that we had, too.

HOW DO I HANDLE HER CONSTANT CRITICISM?

Q My sister and I are both in our 50s, but our relationship has become difficult. She is very critical and often makes cutting remarks about my choices – from my work to how I spend my time. She is still angry that I left my husband five years ago, who she was friends with before I knew him. 

I don’t want to fall out with her, especially as we’re not getting any younger, but I also feel worn down and disrespected. Part of me wonders if I should say something more firmly, while another thinks it’s easier to keep the peace. I dread family gatherings. How should I handle this?

A Sibling rivalry can be so difficult, and it’s sad when this continues into your 50s. 

There could be many things going on. I suspect your sister is unhappy in her own relationships or work and sees you as having a better life. Perhaps she felt you were the favoured one and hasn’t let that go. Maybe she was secretly in love with your husband or is still angry on his behalf. 

Gentle encouragement to open up – telling her you’ve noticed she is unhappy and asking if she wants to talk – might work better than speaking firmly. Try not to let her bring you down. Remember that her criticism is about her own jealousy and not because you are making any wrong choices. It is not her place to decide how you live your life – so meet it with a smile and change the subject.