Frustrated with my house hunt in the Cotswolds, where I grew up, my family and I moved to the North Essex commuter belt 13 years ago, closer to where my husband Charlie’s relatives live.
But when I first arrived, it felt like it was stuck in a time warp, and very Lovejoy-esque.
My cleaner (not that I hire one anymore, now that they cost around £20 an hour) eyed avocados with suspicion until I gave her one to try, and if you asked for coconut water at the village shop, they’d think you were talking about cheap conditioner.
Now, estate agents tout plenty of the commuter towns in the county as ‘up and coming’ – but I have to laugh when I hear some of the areas they’re referring to. They’re still about as appealing as cuddling a dog after a muddy walk.
But there are a few hidden gems that homeowners would be lucky to live in – whilst others would need a Soho House, or a celebrity, to move in to be even remotely interesting. Give it time, I suppose.
In the meantime, here’s my honest guide to Essex – from the unhappy town filled with sorry show homes to the place as pretty as any Cotswold village…
Sybilla Hart said: ‘Frustrated with my house hunt in the Cotswolds, where I grew up, my family and I moved to the North Essex commuter belt 13 years ago’
Where to avoid…
Braintree
Braintree is frequently wheeled out – like its plethora of wheelie bins – by lowbrow estate agents who insist it’s an up and coming commuter town when they’re clutching at straws. It’s not.
It might be a commuter town, but that’s about the only thing it has in its favour. The estate agents have got one thing right though – Braintree is good value but that’s on the basis that no one wants to live there.
Though Braintree town centre admittedly does have one very pretty street peppered with pink Tudor houses, the only thing it’s really got going for it is the M&S Foodhall in Freeport Village.
But don’t get me started on Freeport. It’s meant to rival Bicester Village. If only. The restaurants are all overpriced chains (a milkshake costs £10), and you’ll get ripped off by just about every shop you walk into.
Then, there’s getting to Braintree, which is painful as there is a ‘snarl’ of traffic just by McDonald’s and the petrol station that sells undrinkable coffee. I would go so far as to say that if I never have to go to Braintree again in my life I will not be disappointed.
Perhaps the politicians thought so too, as they have stationed an accommodation site for male asylum seekers at nearby Wethersfield, which has not gone down well with the local residents.
Shops along the high street in Braintree, Essex, on a typical day
Colchester
I keep hearing that young families are flocking to Colchester, which has been voted by Rightmove as one of the 100 happiest places to live in the UK.
But while Colchester is a city of many contradictions, happy it isn’t.
There are the leafy, somewhat Stepford Wives streets, with houses costing north of a million pounds. In nearby Lexden, the houses – sorry show homes – feel too perfect and come with pristine kitchens and not a single personal object on display.
Any family photos anyone, clutter even? Nope, it’s all been chucked in the bin faster than you can say pass me the Dettol. These houses are all set around Colchester Royal Grammar School, a Holy Grail of Education.
On paper, Colchester really should be going up in the world, but in reality it’s not. It has an upmarket department store, a Dutch Quarter, a spanking brand new art gallery called Firstsite and Castle Park – a lot of wonderful attractions on the face of it. Believe me, I want to love it.
But the centre feels ever so slightly dirty and seedy and the High Street needs a giant jet wash. There are too many hairdressers, pointless stores, vape shops, fast-food chains and my bête noire – Primark (although, admittedly, it is jolly useful for children’s PJs and cheap school tights).
And though you can see the seagulls circling overhead, the sea, which is only a few miles away, feels out of reach and faraway, like the greying ruins of nearby St Botolph.
Aerial view of a lake in Colchester, Essex
I really do want Colchester to be lovely – but the only thing it has really achieved is a new, slightly creepy-looking, housing development with plug-in cars and what looks like a strict one-child policy.
The new bowling alley also boasts the most complicated multi-storey car park of the year award. Last week, my six year old son was in tears when we nearly missed an entire birthday party when the parking for the bowling centre was positioned behind the building on what looked like the motorway. It turns out it was just on another wretched roundabout.
Around the outskirts of Colchester there are double and treble roundabouts, mind boggling one way systems, too many purpose block buildings and far too many angry and aggressive drivers.
The hospital, if you ever need it, is so difficult to find that by the time you’ve finally got there you might well have given birth in the car or your broken arm may have set in the wrong place.
Add to it all the potholes in the area, and it’ll be a miracle if you ever get there in one piece at all.
Witham
Aerial view of housing in the town of Witham, Essex
I also want to love Essex commuter town Witham – but that is never going to happen. As I drive through it, I spot several terraced houses that are the ones always used in marketing material for the town and realise why, as once again I get lost in one of the many 1960s housing estates.
I have to keep reminding Charlie, my husband, that it is pronounced Wit-ham not With-am and that is about the most exciting aspect of the entire town, that and the fact that it is on the superior London train line.
I tell my son enthusiastically that he might pass his driving test in Witham (passing in Colchester is nigh on impasse) as the DVLA have sensibly opened up the roads around the town to the poor sods waiting to take their driving tests, as there is such a national backlog, but he shakes his head at this idea.
‘That would mean I would have to get the train to Witham Mum,’ he says. I nod and then realise that is exactly the problem, word has got about – even amongst the teenagers of Essex – that this place isn’t going anywhere apart from, well, south.
Where to go…
Bures
Bures has its own musical festival in July and train station – perfect for those who had a few too many glasses of Aperol in the sun after work in Canary Wharf and don’t want to brave the windy back roads of Essex.
Bank House Tea room in Bures serves the finest hot chocolate in the county with views of the 14th century medieval church St Mary’s. There is an idyllic primary school that has not one, but two friendly headmistresses, a secretary who will sort your life out if you want her to, two pubs, a hairdresser and a rotating food van most nights.
The primary-school-age children go between the two village shops and if they overspend on their GoHenry cards the locals will foot the bill for them, there is much generosity in Bures.
The teens hang out in the church after school, having caught the bus to the village where they discuss the pros and cons of Donald Trump. In high summer they congregate by the river where they jump in to celebrate the end of their GCSEs.
Secretary’s Farmhouse, which sits close to the village Green, was rumoured to have once been owned by Queen Elizabeth I’s chief of staff.
Houses go like hot cakes and speaking of cakes, locals leave cakes outside their houses for each other in random acts of kindness. Whisper it, Bures might be Essex’s best kept secret.
Coggeshall
The clock tower located on Stoneham Street in the beautiful town of Coggeshall in Essex
Coggeshall used to be filled with retirees but that’s no longer the case, as a lot of the late Georgian cottages have been bought up by 30 something marketing gurus.
The old school brasserie has been taken over by a new gastropub which is a meeting point for the millennials on a Friday night when the children are sleeping off a packed week at nursery which costs more than reception class at private school.
They share babysitting as they all live so close to each other and the app they use works for the whole street. They should know, one of them developed this babysitting app and made a fortune.
Pebmarsh
The villages in the lost circle between Sudbury and Halstead including Pebmarsh, Colne Engaine, Lamarsh and Alphamstone are worth knowing about.
It’s like the Cotswold Slad Valley of Essex – I should know as I’ve lived in both.
Ancient tractors driven by similarly weathered farmers plough the pretty fields. Houses are hidden in valleys and are sold off market for millions.
There’s a reason – you can’t see them from the road. In the spring and the summer Preston’s Lake is surrounded by a sea of bluebells and salty hawthorn blossom.
The glens growing willow trees for cricket bats look like something straight out of Lord of the Rings.
Locals won’t bat an eyelid at anyone – they’re far too busy discussing the latest village wife-swapping antics at the bar to notice.
