Drenched in sweat, my heart raced as I waited for my latest hot flush to subside.
I was in the grips of menopause and it had hit me like a thunderbolt, wreaking havoc on my health and my body.
What did I turn to for comfort when the sweats, exhaustion and frightening heart palpitations overwhelmed me, physically and emotionally? Food.
It wasn’t a surprise to me that I reacted in this way.
After all, I had battled my weight for years. I had long sought solace during difficult times in the fridge or a takeaway menu, and comfort eating became my default way of coping with my menopause.
Crisps, cheesy garlic bread, greasy pizzas… I tried, and failed, to soothe my menopausal symptoms by stuffing myself – with the result that my weight just spiralled upwards and out of control, reaching 17st which, at 5ft 6, gave me a BMI of 38.4, meaning I was obese.
The painful irony was, my weight only made my symptoms worse and left me needing medication, and emotionally I felt lower than ever.
My weight battle began in my late teens when I stopped competitive swimming, something I’d enjoyed throughout childhood.
Training every day had kept me fit and slim as a child, and I ate what I wanted.
However, when my swimming stopped aged 16, I carried on eating the large portions I’d needed to fuel my body but, without the exercise to burn off calories, the weight crept on.
By my early 20s I was a size 20 and weighed more than 15st, and had come to accept I was just always going to be ‘the larger than life’ friend in my social circle.
But inside I felt anything but. My knees and hips ached constantly and I spent eight months on crutches after surgery in my early 30s, to repair cartilage damage.
Thanks to a diet of takeaways, chocolate and wine, the pounds kept piling on and my health worsened.
I would have loved a family with my husband Ian, an operations manager, who has three children from a previous relationship, but despite several rounds of fertility treatment, we weren’t successful, and of course being overweight may have affected my chances of conceiving.
Then, around 2022, when I was 51, I became menopausal.
In my busy job as an HR director, I was completely unprepared for how the menopause affected me. I suddenly felt invisible to the world. My brain was foggy and I was constantly exhausted. The hot flushes and night sweats were relentless — my bedding was never out of the wash.
Comfort eating became my way of coping with the symptoms. I just couldn’t get my head in the game to control my weight and every time I stepped on the scales, the number was higher, until I went from 15st to 17st in a period of 18 months.
My diet was horrendous. I’d skip breakfast, have a frozen pizza for lunch then in the evening a creamy curry with buttery rice and poppadoms, followed by chocolate and ice cream, all washed down with a couple of glasses of wine and a late night bag of crisps.
As my weight increased, my health took a battering and I was prescribed medication for high blood pressure and suffered prolonged heart palpitations.
It was terrifying and I felt incredibly anxious, especially when I lost my 85-year-old father in December 2023, when I was aged 52.
It made me think, was I facing my own mortality too if I carried on this way, neglecting my health so badly?
In January 2024 I joined a local Slimming World group with Ian, who was also overweight.
Standing on the scales at 17st and a size 20, at my first meeting, I felt ashamed and embarrassed.
I lost 5lb in the first week and that was a lightbulb moment – I began to believe I could do this, I could lose this weight.
I began to overhaul my diet, with overnight oats and fruit for breakfast, smoked salmon salad for lunch and a roast chicken dinner in the evening, snacking on fruit, high-fibre cereal bars and gin with slimline tonic if I fancied a drink.
That September, Ian, 58, and I decided to get married after 11 years together.
We travelled from our home in East Boldon, South Tyneside, to a tiny private island in Kos for our dream Mamma Mia-style wedding in a whitewashed chapel, where I wore a fitted size 14 ivory gown.
We carried on attending Slimming World. I needed support and accountability and my consultant and group members have been amazing, we are all there for one another.
To date, Ian and I have lost an incredible 12 stone between us. I’ve lost seven, slimming from 17st to 9st 13lb and a size 20 to a 10, and Ian has lost five stone.
My health has dramatically improved – my blood pressure returned to normal, I no longer need medication and the palpitations stopped. The fear I felt eased as the scales went down.
Last spring, I ticked off a life-long goal, to climb Catbells in the Lake District, an iconic fell with spectacular views. It had always been a dream of mine and standing at the summit, I felt incredibly emotional reflecting on everything I’d overcome.
I look back on my experience of the menopause and I wonder how I made it through. Carrying all the extra weight only made it a harder time in my life.
At my lowest point I felt like I was disappearing, my confidence at rock bottom but now I feel strong and empowered.
I lost control during the menopause – but I took it back and I feel so proud.
As told to Matthew Barbour.
