Of all the ‘therapy speak’ that has been invading our language around dating culture in recent years, the phrase ‘red flags’ is perhaps the most common.
Anything can be branded a warning sign, from replying to messages too slowly, to not introducing you to their family.
Typically, red flags are only problematic at the beginning of a relationship; you either get over it… or break up with them.
But what if you only start to recognise red flags once you’re already years into a marriage?
As a psychotherapist with more than 25 years of experience, I know that while certain red flags can be resolved with time, others can have disastrous consequences if left unaddressed.
So what should you put down to ordinary ‘differences of opinion’ within a partnership, and what should you ignore only at your own peril?
Here, I share the seven signs I have witnessed in hundreds of clients that show a relationship is doomed…
THEY TEASE YOU
What may seem like harmless teasing could be contempt in disguise – and no relationship can survive that.
Does your partner make cruel ‘jokes’ at your expense – then hold their hands up and say they were only having fun?
This is gaslighting. They are making it seem as though you are the problem and do not having the ‘right’ sense of humour, when they should be showing you respect.
But contempt is often subtle and can come from someone who is otherwise affectionate, which is part of the manipulation. One of my clients was grateful her partner took the children to school, bought chocolates, took an interest in her day. But he could be cruel. He ridiculed her physical appearance, regarded her career as less significant than his, and made comments when she spent money, be it on the dentist or shampoo.
THEY USE SEX AS A WEAPON
Once middle age hits, it’s normal for things to cool off in the bedroom. But the withering of sexual intimacy is usually a symbol of decline in emotional intimacy, too. Plus, sex can so easily be used as a weapon, with one party deliberately withholding it, leaving the other confused and hurt.
I once worked with a woman dealing with the after-effects of her husband’s serious medical treatment. He projected his grief and frustration after surgery onto her, saying she was no longer attractive and this made it impossible for him to get aroused.
She was so understanding of his trauma that it took her a long time to see she was being victimised. So when a different man came along and showed her quite how desirable and precious she really was, it gave her the lightbulb moment she needed – and she left.
YOU DON’T ARGUE
For a relationship to survive, you have to communicate about the tricky things. But over time, couples get stuck in grooves. They have the same row over and over – and, eventually, they stop even having the rows.
One of my clients felt his wife had been shut off for years. When he tried to speak to her about it, she refused to acknowledge there was a problem – instead giving him the silent treatment for days on end, or even covering her ears with her hands.
Refusing to communicate is a form of power-play that creates emotional hurt. Emotional hurt leads to resentment. And resentment festers, corroding your marriage from within. If your partner won’t even argue with you, that’s enough justification to leave.
THEY BETRAY YOU OUTSIDE OF THE BEDROOM, TOO
As I say in my TEDx Talk ‘Infidelity: to stay or go?’, it takes a huge amount to recover from a betrayal, but it is possible for a relationship to improve. However, while breach of trust can be repaired, it cannot be repaired repeatedly.
I had a client who took her husband back after finding out he had been attending sex parties. They worked on their marriage and themselves, but over time his temper and alcohol consumption worsened, and she eventually discovered a secret bank account.
She told me she had reluctantly made her peace with not being able to trust him around women, but to know that she couldn’t trust him with money or alcohol either? That was the red line.
It’s important to respect your own limits of what you can live with and what is a dealbreaker.
THEY’RE EMOTIONALLY AVOIDANT
Being able to take care of yourself is a vital life skill. But in a marriage, receiving emotional support from a partner is a beautiful part of intimacy – and desiring that support doesn’t make you needy.
Yet if your basic needs from your partner – keeping a salary coming in and being a good parent to your children – are being met, it can feel selfish to complain about emotional distance.
One of my clients appears to have a good life, with a successful career, a beautiful home and a couple of healthy, cheeky children. However, her equally successful husband is emotionally avoidant. He believes giving flowers or holding hands in public is ‘too much’, and escapes into his work rather than spend time with her. She says that, as a result, she feels like she’s dying inside.
If your emotionally avoidant partner isn’t willing to examine their behaviour, you aren’t wrong for wanting more and getting out.
YOU’RE LEFT TO DO IT ALL
If tackled early, the issue of who does all the heavy-lifting in a relationship can be addressed. But if it continues as the relationship deepens, things are, unfortunately, unlikely to balance out.
One of my clients was married to a man who had an erratic work schedule in the police force. They had four children, who she largely raised alone.
And yet, despite not chipping in at home, he was perfectly capable of organising his weekly football matches.
After their last child had flown the nest, things came to a head on the night of her birthday, when he promised to plan a summer picnic. On the big day, he arrived home saying he was too tired, having had a busy day at work, and asked if she could order a takeaway.
Her response? She wanted a divorce.
As she said to me, ‘I used to worry that if I didn’t keep all the plates spinning, the whole marriage would collapse. But those plates were worthless! I had to let them crash to the floor’.
DIVERGING PATHS
It may be normal to disagree on where to go for dinner or what colour you should paint the walls, but when you start to diverge on core values or big life decisions, this is a sign that you are no longer aligned as a couple.
A male client of mine was shocked to learn – two years into his marriage – that his wife did want children after all, after suggesting she did not.
Another client’s husband wanted to retire to the countryside, as he liked the fresh air, the fishing, the slower pace. Yet this was not the future she envisaged. She loves urban life, late-night culture, intellectual stimulation.
If your partner is unwilling to compromise on big issues, and insists it is their way or the highway, then this might be your sliding-doors moment. You could embrace a new way – on your own!
