Why? That was my immediate reaction when I heard that the Duchess of Sussex is contemplating gracing us with her presence at the Invictus Games countdown event in Britain this July. Why?
Even since she ‘fled’ to the warm embrace of her mansion in Montecito, she hasn’t stopped slagging Britain off. She has made it abundantly clear that she hated her time here. ‘Almost unsurvivable,’ was how she put it, wasn’t it? At every turn, in every interview, she has never missed an opportunity to tell the world how god-awful this country is.
Racist, old-fashioned, uncaring, unfeeling, ungrateful: her brief sojourn here has been implied at times as being akin to torture, poor love, and no amount of free houses, hot and cold running staff, diamond tiaras or lavish taxpayer-funded weddings could offset the sheer horror of what she seemingly had to endure.
So why? Why come here, Duchess, if you hate it so much?
The answer is simple and glaringly obvious: after nearly six years in America, the royal fairy dust is finally wearing off. The clock has struck midnight, and the lavish bandwagon she’s been riding high on is finally turning back into a pumpkin.
The Duchess has milked her connection for all its worth, and now she needs to re-up on that magic. She needs to remind the world of who her in-laws are, to stay relevant and, more importantly, to stay commercial.
Because let’s be clear: without her royal connections and victim/survivor narrative, The Duchess is just another middle-aged minor actress with a lifestyle brand to flog. And those people are ten-a-penny.
A trip back to Blighty will be gold, and she knows it. Perhaps that’s why she chose today to launch her latest product, a new leather bookmark from her As Ever brand – handmade, I note, by a small English company.
I can just picture it now, can’t you? The ‘brave’ Duchess comforting grateful veterans. Selflessly setting aside her own trauma to help soothe theirs. Perhaps she could gift them all sachets of her famous flower sprinkles or herbal lemon tea.
The whole thing would, of course, be eminently Instagrammable. Maybe a few wistful black and white shots of her and Harry holding hands by the lake at Windsor where they first lived as newlyweds? A ‘revisiting those bittersweet precious memories’ sort of vibe. Or some footage of her looking pained as the paparazzi try to snap her coming off the private jet? Harry putting a protective arm around her shoulder?
Perhaps a pilgrimage to the island tomb of Harry’s mother at Althorp. Maybe even tea with the King, who is a kind old soul and would probably indulge her if he thought it might mean he finally gets to see his grandchildren.
The real money shot, of course, would be her and the Princess of Wales burying the hatchet. I suspect Kate would rather boil her own head, but you never know. She’s a trooper, and she always does what’s best for the family.
Of course, all this is purely speculative. The Duchess’s presence is predicated on Prince Harry securing an upgrade to his taxpayer-funded protection, which is currently under review. Only if he is satisfied that security is tight enough will he allow his wife and/or their children to come to Britain.
Personally, I think he might be overruled on that one. She needs this, and if she comes without full government protection, it will only make for more drama. And more drama equals more Netflix, which equals more money.
But for now, Harry is determined. One might argue that if his wife had not rendered herself so comparatively unpopular through her own words and actions, she might not need such tight security. But such logic cuts little mustard with the Prince.
Cynics might suspect that Harry expects the British taxpayer to foot the bill so that his wife can bask in a dose of royal patronage before going back to America to cash in. Let’s hope that the cynics are wrong.
There is only one instance in which it would be acceptable for the taxpayer to foot the bill for Meghan’s presence on this island, and that is if she accompanies Lilibet and Archie as they visit their British relatives.
However toxic her behaviour, however troubling her exploitation of the royal brand – the ‘official’ @SussexRoyal Instagram account remains live and boasts nine million followers, even if they’re not currently posting on it – she is nevertheless the mother of these two young royals, and they deserve to see their family. Archie, believe it or not, is sixth in the line to the throne. The fact that he and Lilibet have not yet met their cousins is plain wrong.
Otherwise, she can do what every other celebrity does: pay for her own security. After all, she can well afford it. It transpired recently, according to calculations based on figures from her own website, that she’s sold almost £27million worth of her ‘signature fruit spread’ in America.
Clearly, she has plenty of sycophantic devotees across the Pond willing to believe her saccharine simperings. If Meghan truly wants to come back to Britain – and if she doesn’t bother to introduce her children to their royal relatives at the same time – then why can’t her American fanbase pay for her latest publicity stunt?
