This month is famous for triggering a surge in divorce inquiries. And though my home, Paris, is called the city of love, the same applies here.
Even on the banks of the Seine, half of marriages end.
The difference lies in how we handle this in France. When a good friend is facing down an uncertain future, our response is to raise a glass of champagne and offer a heartfelt ‘congratulations!’ While Brits tend to view divorce as a failure, we see it as a rebirth, particularly of our sexuality.
So often British women assume that men will only be interested in younger partners or that divorce means we’ve passed the sexual part of our lives altogether.
But as a French sexpert I can tell you nothing could be further from the truth.
Stepping out into the world as a newly single woman really can be the first step towards a life filled with passion and fulfilment. Never mind good sex, we’re talking about achieving the best sex of your life.
After the mountains you’ve already climbed, why not have a bit of adventure, after all? Here I present my seven steps to achieving amazing sex post divorce…
You are more than a marriage
The French foundation of sex and desire is this: you are, and always have been, more than your relationship.
There is a part of you that was, and will always be, untouchably, beautifully, you.
No partner should be everything, even in a committed relationship.
The French believe that an element of distance is essential to eroticism, to retaining the butterflies in the stomach feeling when your lover enters the room.
We create space, whether through strong friendships, separate hobbies or even the occasional girls vacation, leaving our partners at home.
Create room that’s yours alone and you’ll find the sparks of attraction start to fly. Because, when we cling too tightly, desire starts to wane.
In the UK, divorce is often framed as a story of defeat. We failed each other. We failed our parents. We failed the children.
Enough of all that. In France, we never believe our marriages define us; winning and losing don’t belong in the picture.
When a messy relationship concludes, it’s time to suit ourselves. In – and out– of the bedroom.
To do that, embrace some quiet time. Detach from social media feeds. Anxious over-thinking on the couch doesn’t help anyone. Get up and about – the first step to loving your body again is to get the heart pumping.
Think about a part of your body you find attractive and give it some attention in the form of new clothes, jewellery or make-up.
Reconnect, too, with the hobbies you loved before your marriage to see if they still sparkle with joy.
This isn’t about reinvention – you are good enough as you are. Think less, ‘How do I have to change?’, and more, ‘What brings me joy?’
The first question invites everything we’ve been told about what it means to be a woman. The second centres on your unique personality.
Ditch the ‘dutiful woman’ role
One of the favourite pastimes of the patriarchy is rattling on about a woman’s place in the world – our marketability, our usefulness and, more than anything else, our age.
Instead of worrying about societal stereotypes, use your new freedom to surround yourself with people who buoy you up. Reach out to your old friends and make new ones.
A 2019 study on friendship found Britons coming in last place, having only 2.6 friends on average (the French have 3.6). Don’t let that be your story.
Avoid the British tradition of the ‘dutiful woman’, working yourself to the bone and leaving no time to recharge. It’s your duty to be a healthy, happy human for your circle of loved ones – and that means a mandatory girls’ night on a regular basis.
If you feel as if you’ve lost touch with friends amid marital decline, curate a new friendship group. Attend events in your area centred around your interests – perhaps a pottery class or a workout group.
A huge step towards great sex is feeling empowered. Get in the habit of having a great laugh with friends; it will ground and relax some of that anxiety, making space for flirty banter and attraction when Mr Right appears.
Recently, a good friend in Paris struggled with shared custody of the children. Anxious when the kids were at her ex’s, she felt exhausted when completely responsible for their care.
But reframing her schedule worked wonders. ‘Alone time’ became ‘me time’, with the calendar full of nights out dancing with old friends, a Japanese tea ceremony class and tickets to shows and concerts she’d always dreamed of seeing. When it was her turn for the kids, she found her battery filled and a new pleasure in balancing the many roles we all play – including that of lover.
Explore new fantasies
The period after a divorce might be one of the best times to truly examine what we love about sex – and why.
Imagine what you know about your desire to be a wardrobe to explore – and give yourself permission to discover a new style.
It’s natural that we try to please our partners but in the course of a long relationship that kind of thinking can get in the way of our own pleasure. Embrace doing what you love, trash what you don’t.
Now is the moment to spend as much time with yourself as possible. It’s vitally important (and so much fun) to rediscover what gives us pleasure.
The notion of ‘connecting with your body’ can seem a bit overwhelming. Take the pressure off and begin with imagination. Run yourself a bath and consider your fantasies. What turns you on? Is it different to how it used to be?
Try erotic audiobooks or art. If that feels like too much, think about what kind of music sounds romantic. What kind of lighting do you prefer? Is there a food that you associate with feeling sexy? A kind of lingerie that feels powerful?
Have fun and let your mind wander. What fantasies emerge in your imagination? What kinds of sex toys work for you? Are there any new ones you’d like to try?
Data shows that British women are already more comfortable using sex toys: 55 per cent versus 45 per cent in France. (We might have something to learn from you here!)
In my work, I find it’s often difficult for women to connect desire with imagination but it’s a key component to finding great sex.
Even if it feels a little silly, give yourself permission to exercise your creativity and follow where it leads. Quieten the inner critic that’s ready to judge your fantasies.
When we give ourselves permission to really consider and explore, we find the pleasure that’s unique to us and begin attracting partners who share those desires.
Down with ‘doer uppers’
Divorce can make us feel invisible. The male gaze might tell you no one sees you. Ground yourself, meet some actual men and, believe me, you’ll feel seen.
In France we use dating apps much less than in the UK. As many as 61 per cent of couples in the UK met online, compared with only 47 per cent in France. There’s nothing wrong with swiping but a real world ‘meet cute’ wins every time.
The French don’t have a secret environment where we find our men, unfortunately, but we do have clarity of purpose. If you’re looking for a partner, act like it. Be honest with yourself that you’re seeking a relationship driven by sexual chemistry without shame.
But don’t date ‘potential’. This is not the time for ‘doer uppers’ – in other words, men who need emotional or physical ‘fixing’.
Post divorce, we don’t care about the man’s job, family or friends; we’re here for the heat. Give yourself permission to follow your attractions without a laundry list of demands for the future. Live in the here and now.
In France, it’s common to have sex on the first date. It’s what the date was for, after all, and if the sex isn’t good, move ahead with a smile and no time wasted. Always be clear about your boundaries, your time and your expectations.
If someone crosses your limits or puts up a red flag, remember you’re allowed to live life on your terms and leave the situation with confidence.
Catch up with the times
Since you got married, a lot has changed out there.
New toys, attachment strategies and clubs have popped up, just waiting for curious minds to try them on for size.
Even sex itself has changed. In France we love an Instagram account called Jouissance Club, which is quite explicit about teaching sexual positions and techniques, promoting ‘pleasure for all’. In the UK, Hannah Witton is a vlogger and author a bit closer to home.
She has a YouTube channel dedicated to sex and relationships education. Start following sex positive channels on your socials and watch the algorithms take you down some delightful rabbit holes.
You’ll find even words have changed and familiarity with a few concepts could help you avoid complications.
For example, ‘gooners’ are men who can’t escape from porn, while ‘situationships’ feature fuzzy boundaries that end up frustrating everyone involved.
Sexual slang is a gentle place to start if you’re feeling way out of the game but it’s also a great source for inspiration.
I usually tell my audience to keep a fantasy journal. Write (or draw) everything you want from sex – not only the act itself but the set-up, with sounds, scents, colours, emotions and storylines.
You can jot down anything from ‘sincere connection’ to ‘adrenalin rush’ or ‘two men in a bathtub’.
My own journal is 160 pages long; I’ve been keeping it for three years now and I’m still not done. By writing your fantasies down, you’ll realise that you’re much less boring than you think.
You’ll also learn how to verbalise your needs with great precision. If you find it hard, imagine how you might phrase them in a moment of passion that feels organic and clear (‘Please, 44 per cent more intensity, two degrees north west, one more finger… yes, that’s what I want.’)
The relationship escalator is over!
There might have been pleasure in the familiarity of married sex, of course, but I’m sure it wasn’t perfect.
Now you’re free from all your ex-husband’s little bedroom peccadillos you found so annoying.
Start here: what did you not explore because you were in a couple? Which fantasies did you set aside? How did you want to be touched? Use your frustration and your ex’s flaws to light the way to better sex choices.
Divorce means you don’t have to compromise anymore. You can start by asking yourself a wonderful question: ‘What would sex look like, and feel like, if I could be entirely selfish?’
Also, reconsider your definition of a couple entirely.
Did you get married because you wanted to, or because you were riding on what writer Amy Gahran called a ‘relationship escalator’ – meaning that you internalised social pressure?
In France, more and more people are choosing to live with a friend and find romantic fulfillment outside of the home.
Maybe you need to live in a ménage à trois, or maybe you could try polyamory (the practice of openly involving yourself with as many partners as you like).
Maybe you were meant to become a cruel domina.
Learn the art of slow sex
With all the mess and practicalities that consume us during a divorce, I bet you didn’t have much time to connect with your body. Well, now you do.
Meditation and masturbation are both excellent exercises for developing something called proprioception, which is your capacity to know where your body is in space.
But in my opinion, it’s even better to combine meditation and masturbation. Two fantastic birds with one stone.
Take a few minutes to breathe and consider your genital area. Do you feel tension? What happens when you contract your muscles repeatedly? Don’t touch yourself before you’re fully aware of your lower half. Take your time.
The biggest mistake in all sex is moving too fast, particularly during penetrative sex.
‘Slow sex’ is gaining in popularity with sites popping up all over the internet offering classes, tips and community for people looking to truly lock in with a partner, focusing on connection and true intimacy – as well as ultra-powerful orgasms.
If you’d like to begin playing with the idea, put your attention on two things. First, turn on some calming music you love and link your breathing with your partner. Put aside any other thought besides deep, intentional breaths in the same rhythm. Be mindful of your bodies and surroundings.
Second, take the idea of thrusting out of your sexual vocabulary, at least for a few minutes.
As your partner enters you, count every inch of penetration out loud. When it becomes impossible not to speed up the process, let one partner control the rate, while counting to ten together between thrusts.
Challenge yourselves not to hurry the process. When we allow our bodies to connect in ways that don’t involve the standard rush to climax for a man, new worlds appear. On a more selfish level, you can also use ‘slow sex’ as an excuse to get gentle, long and loving intercourse (and not just a sum of rapidly-changing Kama Sutra positions).
After all, you’ve been through hell and earned a trip to paradise. I can assure you the best sex of your life lies ahead, rather than in your distant past.
And it’s easier than you think to get there.
