Q Every Christmas seems to end in tension in our family. My husband and I have two children, and my elderly mum, 82, will be coming for the day. The problem is that my mother and my eldest daughter, 21, don’t get on. Mum can be blunt and old-fashioned in her opinions. My daughter is outspoken and sure of her own beliefs, and they clash terribly.
Last year they had an argument about a political issue and my daughter stormed out before lunch. Things were frosty afterwards but they eventually made up. Then recently, when my mum came for lunch, another row started. She made a remark about young people being ‘oversensitive’ and my daughter snapped back that her gran was ‘out of touch and rude’. I tried to calm things, but it ended with tears and silence.
Now Christmas is imminent and I’m dreading a repeat. My daughter says she’ll go to her boyfriend’s family unless my mum apologises. My mother insists she was the one insulted. I just want a peaceful Christmas.
A This does sound stressful and it’s understandable that you are dreading a repeat. Christmas tends to magnify family tensions because emotions run high, old patterns reappear and you are the one trying to keep everyone calm. It is exhausting to be caught in the middle of two strong personalities who won’t give an inch. Although your mother and daughter have different views, they may be more alike than they realise!
Your daughter is still young enough to see things in black-and-white terms, and when young people care passionately about causes, they can see dismissive comments as personal attacks. Your mother, meanwhile, clearly doesn’t back down easily.
I don’t think you need to make concessions because of her age. She seems mentally sharp and clearly capable of arguing forcefully. But before Christmas Day, talk to her gently. Explain that calling her granddaughter ‘oversensitive’ probably feels hurtful and dismissive. It might help to ask her what she hopes for: a better relationship with her granddaughter or simply to have her views be the dominant ones.
If it’s the former, suggest that listening to her granddaughter’s opinions and her reasons for them without arguing back – even if she doesn’t agree – would go a long way. She may respond better if she feels she is helping you by keeping the day peaceful.
With your daughter, acknowledge her frustration. Tell her that you often agree with her, but sometimes it is worth letting things go for the sake of harmony – especially when she is dealing with someone whose views she is never going to change. Encourage her to help you avoid contentious topics and say that she can vent to you later if she needs to. That might make it easier for her to stay calm during the day.
HIS DATING APP STILL SAYS HE’S ‘LOOKING’
Q I met a lovely man on a dating app a few weeks ago. We’ve had four great dates – lots of fun, laughter and flirting, with only kissing so far. I’m taking things slowly because I came out of a painful divorce two years ago and still feel vulnerable. I’m 43.
He’s now keen for me to stay over, and in some ways I would like to. But his profile still says he’s ‘looking’. Some friends insist this is normal and that people don’t commit to exclusivity early on any more.
But it doesn’t feel normal for me. If I’m going to sleep with someone, I want to know he isn’t dating anyone else. I’m also not sure that I’m ready yet. Am I being unrealistic?
A No, you are not being unrealistic. Wanting sex to be exclusive before you take that step is entirely reasonable. Four or five dates is, I think, still early for sex. You are already vulnerable and becoming intimate usually means your feelings get more involved – so you are more likely to get hurt. You’re allowed to protect your emotional wellbeing and, if moving forward requires you to take your time, that is perfectly reasonable.
You need to talk to him. It’s possible he has forgotten to update his profile. If not, explain that you’re enjoying getting to know him but you need to know he won’t be seeing other women and that you’re not ready for intimacy. A man who cares for you will understand this without making you feel demanding.
If he’s dismissive, accuses you of overreacting, or insists this is ‘how dating works now’, then run. But if he is kind and considerate, he will put other dates on hold so you can explore this connection properly. You’re not asking for too much – you’re asking for respect.
