Penniless and exhausted as he and his mum, Jackie, threw in the towel on their Celebrity Race Across The World, actor Dylan Llewellyn knew where the blame lay.
‘Panama was like the taxman,’ he groaned. ‘It took everything from us.’
We all know how that feels. Funnily enough, Panama is reputed to be one of the best places for Brits who want to escape Rachel Reeves’ ever more brutal regime — with zero percent income tax on foreign earnings.
But if I’d ever been tempted to chance malaria and the Zika virus, and decamp to the tropics, this pell-mell race through Central America has well and truly put me off.
Yes, it was the most thrilling series yet, with a breakneck finale that saw Roman Kemp with his sister, Harleymoon, reaching the finish just 20 yards ahead of rivals Molly Rainford and Tyler West.
Yes, there were moments of real heartbreak, as Jackie and Dylan grieved for his late brother, James. The warmth between Anita Rani and her father, Bal, was touching. Every time Tyler and Molly looked at each other, their faces shone — after filming ended, he proposed and they’re now engaged to be married.
And yes, the scenery has been spectacular.
Gazing out across the topaz blue of the Caribbean towards the Sierra Nevada mountains of Colombia, Roman said, ‘It looks like someone’s put a painting in the middle of paradise.’
But I still don’t fancy it. For a start, most of the roads are pitted with potholes that make Britain’s B roads look like ribbons of silk.
What’s truly unnerving, though, is the embargo on travel by night.
Throughout most of the adventure, the teams were forbidden to venture out after dark. Since it’s a fair bet that they and their camera crews had security specialists in the background, those fears for the safety of the contestants must have been serious.
Every time anti-government protestors blocked a road, or a broken-down truck caused a three-hour tailback, the producers must have been panicking that their celebs were about to be kidnapped.
And by the time the race reached Medellin — former home of Colombia’s narco king Pablo Escobar — it was evident that the teams didn’t dare leave their hotels, let alone go in search of work to top up depleted funds.
Drone shots made the city’s hillside slums appear picturesque. But no one was going to risk venturing in search of a coffee bar.
Anita and Bal, who drifted off the main route and found themselves stranded in a place called Bucaramanga, did find a pool hall, where they were the only customers.
I had the feeling that half a squadron of ex-SAS troopers were on lookout at the door.
The final 15 minutes were thrilling. Far from going stale with repetition as so many formats do, this show gets better with every series.
But I’m glad I’m at home this Christmas.
