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Grieving Holly Hagan has admitted that the tragic death of her sister has left her with an overwhelming sense of ‘guilt.’
Speaking exclusively to the Daily Mail, former Geordie Shore star Holly, 33, admitted that losing Darci Rose Gibson left her heartbroken, knowing that her sister would never have the chance to live the life Holly has.
The mum-of-one, who is expecting her second child with footballer husband Jacob Blyth, 33, has carved out a successful career but Darci, who died from an accidental drug overdose, was only just beginning her journey and tragically denied the chance to fulfil her potential.
Holly revealed that the only major milestone Darci ever got to enjoy was attending her prom, a memory that deepens her grief, and she feels guilty that her own life events such as getting married in 2022 and welcoming her first child, Alpha-Jax, were the only ones Darci was part of.
She also expressed regret over not being closer to Darci, admitting she had hoped their bond would grow stronger as her sister got older, hopes that were tragically cut short.
But the worst of all, Holly says, is the overwhelming guilt and regret over not warning her 19-year-old sister against taking drugs the night she went to Manchester’s Warehouse Project in October, where she fatally overdosed on crystal MDMA.
Holly said: ‘The grief I have for Darci is guilt. When good things are happening to me and the life I have been able to live, not that it hasn’t come with difficulties sometimes, but I have been so lucky overall.
‘I have the perfect man, I have a child, I am pregnant, I got married, and I have been on the holidays. My life hadn’t even started at 19 and she doesn’t even have the chance to see any of it. Every event that she was a part of was mine.
‘The guilt that the only thing she had was her prom. It breaks my heart because it’s not fair. What is the purpose? What’s the lesson in all of this?’
She continued: ‘Darci had a lot to live for, she had just passed her theory test, she was looking to get a little car, she said all she wanted to do was go to Starbucks and get a matcha and listen to her music, she worked as a cocktail waitress, which she loved.
‘My biggest regret is not messaging her that night and saying, “Be careful, what are you taking?”‘
Holly bravely opened up to the Daily Mail on Saturday about the tragic death of her sister Darci, who died after taking the party drug MDMA at a Manchester nightclub.
She recounted how nine paramedics treated Darci at the scene and that she suffered two cardiac arrests before being declared braindead in hospital.
The reality star also shared the heartbreaking details of a lonely late-night visit to a supermarket to buy her sister a new pair of pyjamas for her final moments.
Darci, Holly revealed, was her half-sister, sharing the same mother, and their 13-year age gap meant they were never able to ‘bond’ as closely as siblings closer in age.
Holly said she carried further guilt during her speech at Darci’s funeral last month, wishing they had made more of an effort to grow closer.
She said: ‘My speech at her funeral was very much talking about how me and Darci grew up.
‘We had such an age gap, she was 13 years younger than me so unfortunately, I didn’t get to have that sister bond with her. I moved out when she was nine, so I didn’t get to have that sisterly relationship.
‘We had nothing in common because I lived in Manchester, so for a long time she was this kid who was a bit shy and awkward, I didn’t get to have that close relationship with her that I wished we could have had.
‘I wish I had tried more at that and made an effort to meet her in her world. I always thought, as she gets older, we will have more in common, and I said that like it was promised, but it wasn’t.’
Holly admitted that as Darci grew older, the sisters had begun to confide in each other, and she had been thrilled at the prospect of becoming an aunt again.
When Darci passed away, her phone background remained a photo of Holly’s son, Alpha-Jax, a lasting reminder of how much she treasured being his auntie.
After her death, when Holly announced she was expecting again, she shared a video of Darci’s joyful reaction, tears of excitement streaming down her face at the news of a second baby.
She continued: ‘The time that we did have, I was basically her third parent.
‘I used to take her to soft play when she was little, to see the horses, which is what she would then do with my son, and she loved him.
‘He is her screensaver on her phone to this day. She was obsessed with being an auntie and she was so excited to be an auntie again.
‘She was adamant that this baby was a girl and they would be best friends, she was really excited.’
Holly described the funeral as ‘absolutely beautiful’ and told how her sister’s coffin was transported in a horse-drawn carriage.
‘We got the best of the best for her,’ said the ex-Geordie Shore star, revealing that her mum chose Will Dempsey’s Beat You There as the first song to be played at the funeral, followed by Ella Eyre’s We Don’t Have to Take Our Clothes Off and Came Here for Love accompanying a slideshow of pictures.
Holly added: ‘Her best friend, who she had been best friends with since she was six, when they were in year seven, they promised each other they would go to prom together so they are crossing their fingers in the video and then when they went to prom, they did another video and that was to One Direction, Night Changes, and that was the song that really made my mum cry.
‘There was not a dry eye in the place, because of her age.’
Darci passed away at Manchester Royal Infirmary following her overdose at the nearby Warehouse Project nightclub, where she had been partying with friends.
Holly heaped praise on the medical staff who cared for her sister in her final moments, describing them as angels.
She said: ‘I have to say the care that my sister and that we witnessed from Manchester Royal Infirmary was absolutely phenomenal.
‘People moan about the NHS, but I can tell you hand on heart the experience that we had could not have been better and that made our experience, as traumatic as it was, to know that she was in the best hands and had the best care, was so comforting.
‘Even when they knew she was braindead, I would watch these nurses and go to her and tell them what they were going to do, they would say ‘I’m just changing this now, Darci’, or ‘I’m just going to clean your nose,’ and they didn’t know that I was listening but I was. I thought it was so lovely.
‘They put a warming blanket on her, and I know it’s probably for medical reasons, but they kept her warm when she was braindead, she couldn’t feel it.’
She continued: ‘The majority of the people working in the hospital were foreign; they had accents, and there is so much discourse at the moment of things like that, which I think is disgusting.
‘To watch these people who clearly weren’t from here taken such good care of my sister and then thinking they had to go home to all of the abuse because it was in the height of all those flags going up, and making people feel uncomfortable but these people are angels.
‘They were doing their absolute best with my sister who was about to die.’
Holly has revealed how her sister died after accidentally overdosing on a lethal quantity of MDMA in crystal form.
During a night out, Darci mixed the drug into her drink. Within hours, she collapsed and went into cardiac arrest.
She was rushed to hospital, where she suffered a second cardiac arrest. Holly described how doctors told the family that Darci’s body had become so dangerously overheated from the drug that her brain began to swell, and despite attempts to cool her down, they were unable to stabilise her condition.
A subsequent brain scan confirmed the devastating news that she had been left completely braindead.
Her heartbroken family, including her mother, Vicky, and stepfather, John, were then given the chance to say their final goodbyes.
When Holly, who has more than four million Instagram followers, shared the news of Darci’s death online, she received thousands of messages of condolence.
But she also faced cruel comments from trolls who blamed Darci for taking the drug, with some even claiming she ‘deserved’ what happened.
But Holly says her sister would never have wanted this outcome, for herself or for the family who loved her so deeply, and that she had been full of hope for the future.
She said: ‘So many of the comments have been, well, she took drugs so what do you expect? I can promise you now, she didn’t want this.
‘She didn’t know that she was going to do that. We come from an area, Middlesborough, that is so rife for drug taking, it really is and anyone who says it isn’t, is a liar.
‘It’s so common there, telling somebody not to take drugs, that’s not helping. There is never a safe way because they’re illegal and coming in from illegal sources and they’re not regulated.
‘We have no idea the strength of what she took. We also have no idea what else was in that bag, there could have been something else, we are still waiting for the toxicology report, which won’t be until January.
‘She was such an incredible young woman who was supposed to go onto do incredible things.’
What is crystal MDMA and how can it lead to death?
Crystal MDMA is a term used to refer to the crystalline powder form of a synthetic chemical called 3,4-methylenedioxy-methamphetamine, which is the active ingredient in ecstasy tablets.
MDMA is also known as Molly, MD and Mandy, and is a Class A drug in the UK.
When taking an ecstasy tablet, the MDMA is not visible, but when bought in crystal form it has a granular appearance and an off-white, yellow, grey, purple, or light brown colour.
Crystal MDMA is most commonly sold for around £40 per gram, and either appears as small coloured rocks, or is powdered, taking on a form like granulated sugar. It might be referred to as MDMA ‘on the rock’ or as ‘shards’.
It can be taken as a bomb, wrapped in a rizla and ingested like a pill, dabbed on to the tongue and gums with a fingertip, or sprinkled into drinks.
Many users believe that taking crystal MDMA is safer than taking an ecstasy tablet because it allows more control over the dosage compared with taking an ecstasy tablet, and they can feel more confident that what they’re ingesting is pure and not cut with other street drugs or fillers.
However, this confidence is misplaced. Previous studies in the US have found that drugs sold as ‘pure’ MDMA are often mixed with other substances, such as ketamine, amphetamines, or synthetic cathinones (known as ‘bath salts’).
Ian Hamilton, Associate Professor at University of York, told the Daily Mail: ‘Crystal MDMA is significantly stronger than its pill equivalent – many people will not be aware of this, particularly those that haven’t used the drug before.
‘For more experienced users the risks of harm are not as great, although naïve, and inexperienced users of crystal MDMA can still develop serious problems including potential fatal overdose.
‘The other important difference between MDMA pills and crystal is the speed at which it is absorbed by the body, crystal is absorbed much faster which can prove to be dangerous.
‘Faster absorption means the effects of the drug act more rapidly this can lead to significant health risks such as respiratory failure and fatal overdose.’
In all its forms, MDMA gives users a sense of euphoria and energy, explaining its popularity on the club, rave and festival scenes, with effects usually felt 20-40 minutes after taking it.
As the drug enters the blood and nervous system, a period known as ‘coming up’, users may experience an elevated mood, higher levels of empathy to friends and strangers, and some mildly hallucinogenic visions.
It can also affect the user’s other senses, particularly enhancing their sense of touch, sound and sight, making experiencing music, lights, and other people more enjoyable.
MDMA is both a stimulant and an empathogen, and increases brain chemicals like serotonin, dopamine, the happy hormones, and norepinephrine which controls our fight or flight system.
The effects continue until the drug begins to wear off, which can take up to 10 hours, depending on the dosage, what other drugs and alcoholic drinks were consumed, and the user’s tolerance levels.
The drug can also cause jaw clenching, teeth grinding, and muscle spasms which can affect the ability to urinate.
Other physical side effects include an increased heart rate and blood pressure, blurred vision, nausea and sweating.
As the drug wears off, users can feel ‘hollow’, and experience anxiety, paranoia, confusion, and depression, a state referred to as a ‘comedown’, which can persist for days after use.
MDMA can lead to death through heatstroke (hyperthermia) because of how it raises the body’s internal temperature, and because it is usually taken in hot and crowded environments with vigorous dancing.
Once the body temperature has reached over 40°C (104°F), it can trigger organ failure and respiratory collapse.
Because of how hot it can make people feel, MDMA can make people sweat profusely, quickly depleting their sodium levels.
To cool down, they might drink a lot of water, which can cause the sodium levels in the blood to drop below safe levels, a condition called hyponatremia.
When this happens, it means that fluid seeps into cells and causes headaches, confusion, nausea, fatigue, muscle cramps, and in severe cases, seizures, coma, organ failure and death.
While a lot of MDMA deaths are a ‘polydrug’ fatality, where more than one drug was involved, in 2023, 79 deaths were recorded in England and Wales with MDMA mentioned on the death certificate.
In 2018, there were 92 deaths recorded.
According to the Office for National Statistics (ONS) data for the year ending March 2024, an estimated 2.2 per cent of people aged 16 to 24 years in England and Wales reported using ecstasy/MDMA in the last year.
Jan Gerber of Paraclesus Recovery told the Daily Mail that MDMA isn’t considered an addictive drug, but people’s tolerance to it can increase quickly.
He said: ‘If it’s consumed daily or every few days, the the effect flattens very quickly, and the come down, the after effects, get more and more severe.
‘There is a risk for dependence, which is mostly seen in people from the clubbing or raving scenes where everybody around them takes it regularly.
‘People learn that taking this substance gets them into a very emotionally light and loving place, and the craving for that feeling can make them want to take it again.’
